Valentine's Day Special: What does love mean to a realist?

City 1016 RJ Lokesh Dharmani on why wearing rose-tinted glasses in relationships may not help

Do we fall in love because we want a witness to our life and times? If you find yourself answering in the affirmative, welcome to the world of a realist, aka someone who's done wearing rose-tinted glasses when it comes to matters of heart. How does one reach this point? What would Valentine's Day mean to a realist?
In his day job as the host of the popular show XXL on City 1016, Lokesh Dharmani is often flooded with compliments from his female listeners. Some love his comforting presence on radio, some admire the novel recipes he meticulously curates on his blog, while others love the sharp critique of the Bollywood films he reviews. However, what unites all of them is the common concern for his 'single' status. After all, why must a successful, well-known man not be in want of a companion?
The answer is simple. "I love to travel. I find myself complete when I discover new places. I am not sure if I had a family, how much I'd be able to travel." Nearly 20 years ago, this would have been dismissed as a "poor excuse". But times, they are a-changin'.
Lokesh says he does believe in 'true love', just not the version of it that comes candy-flossed as 'roses are red, violets are blue'. It is a lesson he has learnt after having gone through a failed relationship. "One of the defining moments in my life was when I realised that my then girlfriend may have found love outside of our relationship. Until then, I had a very rosy view of the world. When this happened, I realised that people can be extremely manipulative in relationships," he says.
Heartbreaks can often lead people down to the path of cynicism, but Lokesh has chosen a sweet spot between the two. If, as a lovelorn schoolboy, he made 16 cards for his then girlfriend on Valentine's Day (she was turning 16 three days later), today, he will be happy to cook a nice, vegetarian meal and discuss why millennial-bashing is an unnecessary exercise. Unfortunately, the latter is no longer as easy as he'd like it to be.
Not too long ago, he went out on some 'romantic' dinners and found himself answering questions on the kind of preparation he does for his shows, and which celebrity he'd be meeting next. "It felt like talking to a listener, and I am sure they felt like they were going out with an RJ instead of any other normal person."
Leading a life outside the template often means you carve your own road to happiness, but does that indicate that relationships take a backseat? "Back in the day, people led their lives following a set of rules - by a certain age, they had to get married; by a certain age, it was important to have children. Over a period of time, I think society has learnt to offer personal space to individuals. If relationships have taken a backseat, it has also allowed people to give due importance to other aspects of their lives."
Wear the lens of a realist and you may just begin to think 'happily ever after' is a mythical island. Your peer group may make a case for the previous generations and how they ate together, stayed together. "But were they really happy together? Back in those days, it was important to craft an image of a happy family and so people suffered in silence. They could not walk out of a marriage because society wouldn't let them do so. Things have changed now." Perhaps. Perhaps not!

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