'Marriages need to be redefined'

A new anthology of essays and stories, Knot For Keeps ruminates over the idea of a 'modern marriage'. Its editor, senior indian journalist Sathya Saran, talks to us about the need to re-examine relationships

by

Anamika Chatterjee

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Published: Fri 27 Jul 2018, 12:00 AM

Last updated: Fri 3 Aug 2018, 10:28 AM

Marriages are often branded as fairytales we deserve to live out. In a modern age, where men and women both are increasingly striving for individuality, this fairytale is in urgent need of a tweak, perhaps even a re-examination. A new anthology of essays and stories, Knot For Keeps, attempts to look at a 'modern marriage' from a 360-degree angle, while ruminating over the possibilities that lie outside of this 'fairytale' - an 'unpartnered' life, for instance. While the context is India, the ethos is universal. Senior film journalist Sathya Saran, who commissioned all the writings and has edited the anthology, talks about how the perspectives towards the M-word itself are changing!
What exactly is a 'modern marriage'?
A modern marriage is that rare marriage where partners are equal. I don't know how many marriages qualify as a 'modern marriage' because a lot of people are stuck in the centuries-old notions of matrimony. The balances are still awry.
The opening essay makes a case for an 'unpartnered' life. Are we getting used to being alone?
An unpartnered life is coming to be accepted in some sections of society. A society such as ours would once look at a single person with suspicion; housing societies in certain areas in India would not easily give houses to single men and women. Today, there are pockets of acceptance, which were not there earlier. That also has to do with economics. With a number of women attaining financial independence, the decision to be partnered or unpartnered has become their prerogative. Interestingly, it's also the degree of success that determines their choices. For instance, if a woman is a CEO of a company, people will obviously be in awe of her. The pressure to be 'partnered' perhaps wouldn't be as overwhelming as someone in a middle level job because then people will tell you everyone works and manages a family, so what's the big deal? The pressure is more on middle level, middle-class women because those moralities are very binding.
While many essays debunk traditional notions about marriage, there's one that revolves around how people from different castes, religions and communities fight all odds to be able to get married. Is there an interesting dichotomy there?
There's a lot of prejudice against inter-caste and inter-racial marriages in India. Earlier, there was a move towards integration. But I think the government is still not sure if it doesn't want people to live in pockets because that defines their vote bank. What spiel would you spin if families have mixed identities and you don't know what caste each member belongs to?
In one of the narratives, a young urban woman who is admittedly modern confesses to her love for applying vermillion (a sign of being a married woman among the Hindus), even though she's aware of it being a symbol of patriarchy.
Yes, but the writer also talks about her confusion as to why she likes it so much. I think it's the romance of it. I also subscribe to wearing the mangalsutra (a piece of jewellery worn by married Hindu women). If someone were to tell me that it's a sign of patriarchy, I would tell them, "No, it's a matter of choice." I view it as an accessory with a certain amount of romance attached to it. My sister, when she has a fight with her husband, throws away her mangalsutra, saying, "I am no longer married to you." So, it has many uses! (laughs)
Rita Banerji's story revolves around a woman who has a degenerative condition. In a 'modern marriage', can the task of caregiving seem more challenging for both men and women?
In Rita's case, she wasn't working and depended on her husband economically as well as emotionally. Wives don't usually think twice before slipping into the role of a caregiver because they're conditioned to do so. But imagine, if you are a working woman. You cannot tell your boss, "My husband is unwell, I cannot come for a week." Men can be equally devoted caregivers. However, caregiving can get overwhelming for both men and women and that's when he or she begins to look for other distractions.
Kalyan Ray's take on his 'bi-continental marriage' to filmmaker and actress Aparna Sen is fascinating. Given how ambition dictates life choices, is long distance relationship the new normal?
Of course! In villages, it has been the norm - a migrant worker comes to town to work and goes home to his family only a couple of times in a year. So, it's not really a new phenomenon. What has changed is that this idea has now entered the middle and the upper-class in that they consider it an obvious choice because each partner wants to pursue his or her own ambition. However, living apart does not mean that you cannot be part of each other's lives - just that it needs more effort. In an early phase of my career as a journalist, I was in a long-distance marriage for two-and-a-half years. When I came to Bombay to work in a lifestyle magazine, I just packed up my bags and left home. My husband said, "Go for six months and come back." But I never went back and he had to pull up his roots and come to Bombay. It also presented an interesting contradiction. When I was on my own, I would miss him and eventually get used to my space; when he came here, I would think now he'll disrupt my life (laughs). For two people as evolved and matured as Aparna and Kalyan, I would imagine whenever they would meet, they would create a space that would just be theirs; at that very moment, they must be putting everything aside. Perhaps that's why it worked.
Are divorces still frowned upon?
If you look at the number of divorces that are happening, you'd think otherwise. A single working mother today has her child's respect. She's no longer a filmy, Nirupa Roy-type mother who'd struggle and wait for the son to grow up and look after her. The newer generation has grown up seeing divorces in families. While the process might be painful for children, I think there has been a realisation that it's a clean amputation - and better than having to see two people being lonely together.
Is the idea of parenthood changing?
It's a mushy idea. I don't think mothers always have unconditional love for their children; they can, at times, be quite selfish. If you look at the number of mothers who push their children to act in films or participate in reality shows, you will realise how overrated that emotion can be. Mothers are as human as anybody else.
In a modern age, do you think marriage enjoys the same reverence as it once did?
Marriage as the old social contract may not be considered sacred anymore - it is a moral and social convenience. It helps to have a friend, it helps to have somebody change the light bulbs in the house sometimes (laughs). When things turn sour, though, it's a different story.

So, do we redefine or look beyond marriage?
We will never look beyond marriage because it creates a social milieu in which there's order. But yes, marriages need to be redefined. We have to get rid of the age-old notion that the woman is the lesser partner and man is a reform project. In a lifestyle magazine I worked for, we once ran a story on women who earned more than their husbands. While some men would say they are proud of their wives, some women said that the first thing they do when they go home is to make tea for their husbands, give them slippers and assure them, "In the house, you're the boss. Don't worry what happens outside." This mentality that needs to change.
anamika@khaleejtimes.com