Are women allowed to not want children?

I have a friend who doesn’t want children and isn’t afraid to say the words out loud: “It’s not for me.” Yes, I judged her. Where would all that mothering go? The natural nurture that is every woman’s birthright? Birth right. Birth right? The right to birth. Birthing is right. It is right to birth… is that what we are meant for? Biologically, aren’t we supposed to want to procreate? Would she combust with regret at not nurturing how she’s supposed to? I judged her till I had my own child. When I heard his life-altering screech as he entered the world, I knew… she had always had clarity. And for that, I was envious.

She had known something I didn’t. She had seen the repercussions, the inner haul of healing birth took, the dumping of emotion, the moment-by-moment struggle… and she knew it wasn’t hers to be had. I love my child and have him to thank for reaching depths I never could… in love, in life, in soul… but I would be lying if I said motherhood has been everything I idealised before his wail woke me up.

My conversation with my friend after I gave birth, went something like this:“How did you know how it would really be?” She laughed. She had just known.

This world is full of parents who haven’t known how much it takes. Physical exhaustion is a part of the process, yes. But it’s the emotional toll that escapes every expectant parent. Let me say it once in for all: Motherhood is not for every woman. It is for those who choose to expend their entire energy facing their shortcomings; who spend their lives working on every trauma, every fear… Motherhood is just that –-- the ability to face all of you and love every inch, every second of the day. Your wounds will wound your child if you don’t love the pain, love the trauma, deconstruct your fears and detach yourself from your child, from what triggers you. It is transcendence. It is growth. And there are growing pains that make contractions seem like child’s play.

If you know that your growth lies elsewhere, then go there, like my friend did. Her choices have led to a career that nourishes countless people. A Depth Psychologist with a thriving practice, her work centres on helping people heal their childhood wounds. She nurtures beyond her biological instinct.