It's easy to accumulate friends - and yet, having a truly meaningful, long-lasting friendship today is as rare as it is beautiful. So what really makes a relationship stand the test of time? In the spirit of Friendship Day on August 2, some BFFs give us the answer.
Published: Fri 31 Jul 2015, 2:35 PM
Last updated: Tue 10 Jul 2018, 6:38 PM
"Many people will walk in and out of your life, but only true friends will leave footprints in your heart."
Eleanor Roosevelt
We live in a world where 'friending' someone has never been so easy. A world where our best friends are just a click away, and we can view everything that happens in their lives over a screen, never having to leave the comfort of our homes. In our digital, modern-day society, it's easy to assume that friendship is something that can last forever. And yet, sadly, that is not the case.
Seven years is how long an average friendship lasts, according to Irene S Levine, journalist, psychologist and professor at New York University School of Medicine. In her book Best Friends Forever, she specifies, "Some friendships last a lifetime, but the truth is most don't." The reason behind this? Simply the fact that people change over time and, therefore, friendships change too.
Seven does seem to be a preferred number for psychologists everywhere; a 2009 study conducted by sociologist Gerald Mollenhorst put forward the notion that we lose almost half of our close social network friends every seven years, and replace them with new ones. Which has led to the popular belief that if your friendship has crossed the seven-year mark, you're in it for the long run.
So in this world of fleeting friendships, what does it take to create a truly strong, long-term friendship? We talk to several UAE folks who are in it for the long haul, and learn their secrets.
Cross country together
You know a friendship is real when you're ready to leave everything behind and embark on an adventure with only your best friend in tow. Which is exactly what happened to UAE residents Clare Geeves and Nadia Diehl.
The duo happened to meet over 12 years ago at a company retreat in their home country Australia, and "clicked" instantly. "I'd never met someone who I felt so comfortable with before," Clare admits. "The day we met, we stayed up all night just talking."
The pair has been inseparable ever since, and it definitely helped that they happened to work together. However, when the 2008 recession hit and the job market got wobbly, they decided to buy a ticket to Dubai "on a whim" without knowing what fate had in store for them. "We didn't know anything about Dubai, other than the fact that it was 'the land of opportunities'," Clare explains. "We had also never really travelled and wanted to see the world together."
When the two women finally landed in Dubai - after a brief stop in other countries such as India - it was at the end of the recession. "It was really hard," Clare recalls. "We stayed in a hotel for a few weeks, looking for work. But we didn't really have a place to stay, and we didn't have jobs. We didn't know if we were going to make it. We ended up staying in a room together and that was hard on our friendship, since we had our differences."
The two did end up making it - Nadia and Clare have now been in Dubai for eight years, and both have stable jobs. But despite their hectic work schedules, the two continue to be as thick as thieves. They talk on the phone regularly after work and spend every Saturday together.
Looking back at their time together, does she have any regrets about the way things turned out? "Absolutely not. We're more like sisters than friends, really. We both know each other's family. Nadia's always been more mature than I am, and I think that was one of the reasons my mum had no problem with me travelling to Dubai with her."
Nadia is now married and mother to a one-year-old; one would think this would affect their friendship, but Clare disagrees. "Her son is my godson, and I actually feel like I see her so much more now. Of course, since we both have crazy work timings, there are some days where she'll call me and I just can't pick up the phone because I have no energy - and I bet the same applies to her. But it's important to understand that, and give each other a little space."
On maintaining long-term friendships
Clare advises others to send messages to their friends, even if it's a simple thing like telling them you're thinking about them. "You can't choose your family, but you can choose your friends. It does take effort from both sides but it's worth staying in touch with the people who will be there for you no matter what."
NATIONALITY NO BAR
At the age of 16, Bangladeshi Tanvir Alam and Pakistani Zaid Rashid had a fixed schedule: they attended university together, spent some time at the mall, usually caught a movie and only came home at 9pm - every single day. Now 10 years down the line, and having recently been "best man" at Zaid's wedding, Tanvir tells us that things have hardly changed. "After Zaid got married and had a baby, I gave him space to spend time with his wife and bond with the baby," explains Tanvir. "But being a good friend doesn't mean you have to meet every day to keep the friendship alive - you just need to be a little understanding."
The two met while studying at university in Ajman, but it was only when they both started attending Troy University in Sharjah that they began to click. "It just happened," says Tanvir, when asked about what he believes got them so close. "Our families were quite different but he just took me to his place one day, and his father sort of took me in as another son!"
They may come from different backgrounds but, according to Tanvir, none of that truly matters when it comes to being friends. "There have been times I've stayed over at his place till 3am and his mother has been fine with it," he says. "And now our parents also meet up and go out together, and our mums talk on the phone."
The secret to their friendship, a decade old so far, is the fact that they are similar in so many ways, says Tanvir. "We're both raised in the Middle East, both the only sons in the family and we're both not the best when it comes to studies!"
When Zaid got married, Tanvir was appointed "best man", although the wedding ceremony did not call for one. And despite the fact that Zaid is a new dad, Tanvir insists that there's absolutely no difference when it comes to their friendship. "We still talk every other day, and meet up as much as we can. Of course, instead of spending time together every single day, like we used to, we meet over the weekend."
Which just goes to show you that when it comes to a real friendship, people matter before nationality, and Tanvir agrees. "Being in Dubai, I've met people from all over the world, and it's easy to be friends with them. If you have a good heart, nothing else should matter."
On maintaining long-term friendships
Tanvir says, "Keep egos aside. Forgiving someone does not mean that you are losing anything, just like saying sorry doesn't mean you are wrong. It means that you are willing to clear the air, and make an effort to talk things out."
THROUGH THE DISTANCE
When Andrew Marty met Tim Denton at the age of seven, he had no idea that he would be the best man at Tim's wedding 27 years later. The two Australians happened to meet while in primary school, and it is the "tender age" that Andrew credits to them being so close.
"When you are young, it's the best chance to make true friends," explains Andrew. "You don't have any concept of popularity - it's just about who you get along with. We got on really well; both of us loved playing sports and doing all the things kids like to do. Our mums used to have the ambulance on speed dial when we were young. We were those typical Aussie kids spending all day running around outside, getting injured and loving every minute of it."
By the time the duo reached the age of 17, they decided to go their own ways and moved to different cities, but still managed to make time for each other. Even more remarkable is the fact that although they have been in different countries for the last nine years - with Tim shifting to the United Kingdom, and then back to Australia, and Andrew moving to the UAE - they have not only managed to keep in touch, but remain best friends.
"We chat on the phone at least once a week," says Andrew. "These days, with mobile phones, the Internet, social media, etc, it is easier than ever before [to be in touch]. It's not uncommon for me to wake up to a few Whatsapp messages from Tim in the morning!"
However, just like all friends living countries apart, there are periods during which they do not get time to speak - but Andrew claims it makes no difference. "Even if we didn't speak for a while for some reason, I know I can pick up the phone and give Tim a call and pick up the threads," he explains. "I must confess that much of our communication these days revolves around talking about sports, especially Australian Rules Dream Team - Fantasy Football. We are both pretty competitive and love winding each other up. But at the same time, I know I could tell him anything about what's going on in my life."
Andrew was Tim's best man at his wedding last year, a favour he hopes Tim will return at his own upcoming nuptials. And while some may think it impossible to maintain that level of friendship over such a long time, Andrew says it is all about making time for each other - whether you are in the same country or not. "When I travel back to Australia for holidays, we always catch up. As we've gotten older, we have a group of friends, partners and wives who all enjoy catching up. It's really something to look forward to."
On maintaining long-term friendships
Andrew says, "We are all so busy these days, it's easy to lose track of things. But you need to make sure you stay in touch. Make use of technology these days - it doesn't take much to send an email, give the other a phone call or chat over Whatsapp."
NEVER LOSING SIGHT
Staying in touch for a decade is no mean feat. And then there are those extraordinary friendships that last almost three decades - like in Jasline Lobo and Treza D'Souza's case. The duo first met in Mangalore, India, while studying in 11th grade in the same college - back in 1987 - and have been best friends ever since.
"If you are able to maintain a friendship after college, and especially after getting married, then you know that you can always be friends," Jasline points out, and she would know best: she and her BFF have managed to stay friends while crossing numerous milestones - getting jobs, moving to different countries, getting married, and having children.
"After we finished college, I started studying for my post-graduation while simultaneously working," Jasline recalls. "Treza was working at that time too. But we always made it a point to meet regularly, whether it was for a cup of tea or a samosa. Luckily, her workplace was close to mine, and the fact that we were staying in the same city was a great help."
The two did get separated for a bit when Jasline moved to the UAE after getting married, but they stayed in touch - by writing letters. Then, Treza moved to the UAE herself, in search of work, and got married here. "After she got married, her husband and mine became close friends as well," says Jasline, who is godmother to Treza's son. This paved the way for them to become even closer and, today, even though they live in different emirates, the duo is as close as can be. "We both know each other's family members. My parents treated her like a daughter. Even today, if she goes to India, she ensures she meets all my relatives."
On maintaining long-term friendships
"We don't really make a deliberate effort to keep in touch," Jasline says. "If there are any parties or events being organised, it is just taken for granted that the other person is invited. We talk to each other on the phone, and we are always there for each other."
janice@khaleejtimes.com
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