Do the right thing. Nobody can stop you

What you think is the problem is not the problem, but your anxiety is running amok and overriding your rational mind.

By Robert Taibbi (Mind Matters)

Published: Thu 28 Mar 2019, 8:10 PM

Last updated: Thu 28 Mar 2019, 10:15 PM

Maybe you want to learn to play the saxophone, or leave your partner or job, or go back to school, or be more assertive. Everyone has their own desires and wants, but the question is: What keeps you from doing what you want to do?
Here are the most common suspects
> Confusing achieving with doing: It's easy to confuse the two. Achieving is about getting, goals, an endpoint, an outcome - you want to learn the sax to play in a band, you want to find a better job, you want to be more assertive so people will respect you more. Doing is about . doing: the learning the sax, the leaving the job, the being assertive.
You can usually control the doing, but less so the outcome. Achieving involves a bit of luck and opportunity, things you can't control; doing doesn't.
>Confusing shoulds and wants: You should leave your job or be more assertive because others say so, because you read it somewhere here or in a magazine. But do you want to? Shoulds are heady stuff, wants are gut reactions. Shoulds quickly get contradictory and overwhelming and guilt-ridden, wants usually don't. Go for the wants - they're more solid and lasting.
> Confusing skills and emotions: Of course, you lack the skills to play the saxophone and you know you'll need some help from somewhere to learn. But communication in a relationship is also a skill, as is being assertive or job-hunting. What's important is not to mistake what may seem initially to be about emotions or personality for skills that are learnable. It's about training your mind and body, but it is trainable.
Lacking resources: Okay, drilling down to the practical. You have no money for sax lessons or a place to go to if you leave your job. Or you don't have the time or emotional energy to do any of the above. Here you may need to begin to think outside the box - other ways to get or save money, other ways of making the time or redistributing your energy. This is usually about sorting out and re-setting clear priorities. What you don't want to do is give up, feel trapped.
>Anxiety: If we think of resources as the practical side of the stopped equation, anxiety is most often the emotional side. Anxiety is about worry, and worry can take various forms. Sometimes it is about simply feeling overwhelmed - about finding a saxophone or a teacher, about the logistics of leaving your partner or job, or how to even begin to translate assertiveness into action.
> Ambivalence: Ambivalence translates into some mushy, muddy unclarity. So you do your best to sort out the shoulds and wants, and push aside the anxiety, but after all that you are still "feeling" undecided. The key here is a couple of things. One is that you often need more information to help you clarify your want. But the other is strengthening your gut reactions overall.
> Self-Criticism, perfectionism: The theme here is that you don't do because you have to do it right, which translates into making no mistakes, achieving the outcome you hoped for, having nothing to regret. This is obviously about confusing doing with achieving, shoulds and wants, but also throws in a dose of just plain having too high expectations of yourself, a bullying voice, a need to do things perfectly or not at all.
>Pessimism: This is often a variation of self-criticism where it's easy to give up before you start: "Why bother, I'll never be good at sax and get in a band, I'll never get the respect that assertiveness will bring me." Always the loser, the half-empty glass. I don't want because wanting never goes anywhere.
This way of thinking may indicate clinical depression, and if so, you may need help to directly address it. Like self-criticism your not-doing is a reflection of an underlying problem, a way of thinking and treating yourself that you need to tackle directly.
-Psychology Today
Robert Taibbi, an author, is a graduate of Rutgers University, and has served as adjunct professor at several universities