Are women allowed to not want children?

I have a friend who doesn’t want children and isn’t afraid to say the words out loud: “It’s not for me.” Yes, I judged her. Where would all that mothering go? The natural nurture that is every woman’s birthright? Birth right. Birth right? The right to birth. Birthing is right. It is right to birth… is that what we are meant for? Biologically, aren’t we supposed to want to procreate? Would she combust with regret at not nurturing how she’s supposed to? I judged her till I had my own child. When I heard his life-altering screech as he entered the world, I knew… she had always had clarity. And for that, I was envious.

She had known something I didn’t. She had seen the repercussions, the inner haul of healing birth took, the dumping of emotion, the moment-by-moment struggle… and she knew it wasn’t hers to be had. I love my child and have him to thank for reaching depths I never could… in love, in life, in soul… but I would be lying if I said motherhood has been everything I idealised before his wail woke me up.

My conversation with my friend after I gave birth, went something like this:“How did you know how it would really be?” She laughed. She had just known.

This world is full of parents who haven’t known how much it takes. Physical exhaustion is a part of the process, yes. But it’s the emotional toll that escapes every expectant parent. Let me say it once in for all: Motherhood is not for every woman. It is for those who choose to expend their entire energy facing their shortcomings; who spend their lives working on every trauma, every fear… Motherhood is just that –-- the ability to face all of you and love every inch, every second of the day. Your wounds will wound your child if you don’t love the pain, love the trauma, deconstruct your fears and detach yourself from your child, from what triggers you. It is transcendence. It is growth. And there are growing pains that make contractions seem like child’s play.

If you know that your growth lies elsewhere, then go there, like my friend did. Her choices have led to a career that nourishes countless people. A Depth Psychologist with a thriving practice, her work centres on helping people heal their childhood wounds. She nurtures beyond her biological instinct.

Yes, it is okay to not have children. It’s those of us who are brave enough to say the words and follow through with action who change the world. You see, the children you have don’t just influence the four walls of your home. They go into the world, either whole or wounded. Who they become is entirely up to you.

Having a child is the most difficult job in the world for reasons no one revealed to me. It is arduous in its persistence to go to the only place we spend all our lives escaping from –-- within, inside, in the depths of our innards. Who are we? Why do we scream? Why do we lose our temper? Why do we react? What if everything we say is wrong with our child, is actually our brokenness? Face that. See that. That is motherhood.

Yes, it is okay to not have children. Those women who choose not to, nurture in other ways the world needs (hello, Oprah). Motherhood is not just about having a child, it is also choosing to not. The ultimate mothering is not from mother to child. It is in the loving eyes you cast upon the darkest parts of who you are. Can you shine a light on that? Then you are a mother.

wknd@khaleejtimes.com