It's often trivialised, but commitment phobia is a very real - and serious - problem. the good news is that it can be overcome.
Published: Thu 11 Feb 2016, 11:00 PM
Last updated: Fri 19 Feb 2016, 8:25 AM
Just saying the words 'commitment phobia' can elicit extreme reactions in a room full of people. There will be those who believe it is an excuse used only by men who wish to continue 'acting like playboys' or is the anthem of hipsters 'just looking for a good time'. In extreme cases, the words are met with utter disbelief or skepticism ("You know commitment phobia is just a myth, right?").
This belief hasn't exactly been helped with the torrent of films that feature one or both of its leads having commitment issues that are instantly overcome, when they find 'The One' (think romcoms like No Strings Attached or Friends with Benefits). If anything, commitment phobia has become the latest 'in thing', with Hollywood cashing in on the 'trend'.
But despite what society has led us all to believe, commitment phobia is not something that can be taken lightly. Not only is it just as real as any other phobia, its consequences can be far more destructive and long-lasting - ruining relationships and, sometimes, even lives.
'Commitment phobia is, in essence, a relationship anxiety," explains Dr Sheetal Kini, a clinical psychologist and couples therapist with Lighthouse Arabia. "It is as real as any other anxiety that an individual may experience. People who are commitment-phobic feel the need to emotionally distance themselves when they sense the beginning of a deep connection. Often, this isn't a conscious decision but a sub-conscious one that helps the individual feel in control and emotionally protected."
Commitment phobia ignites feelings of deep panic and dread - especially when one encounters the source of their fear. And according to Dr Kini, the intensity and impact of it can range from agitation to being severely disabled.
"I can compare the feeling to that of being claustrophobic," says UAE resident Alexis (name changed), who confesses that she has always had a problem with long-term relationships. "It's like being in a box, and you're suffocating. And if my partner starts trying to dictate what I should or should not do, I just feel like running away. If there's any chance to move away from that place, I will take it."
Alexis admits that hers is an extreme case. During a past relationship, when her partner starting talking about marriage, she shut herself away entirely by cutting all ties and moving to another country. 'I only contacted him again after a year," she confesses.
This is not to say that commitment-phobes are socially-awkward or incompetent. In fact, according to counselling psychologist Dr Lavina Ahuja of LifeWorks, who has previously worked with such couples, they do not have any trouble bonding with others at all. "These are often people who can have good successful relationships," she specifies. "In other words, they do not have any social issues. Yet they subconsciously choose not to, because of their fear."
The reason for the fear stems from a number of factors. Like all phobias, it can be rooted in an incident or a series of incidents that cause a phobic response to be conditioned. For example, like a person having developed aquaphobia due to a past drowning experience, a person with commitment phobia is not frightened by the relationship as much as the negative consequence that may come from it (such as rejection, humiliation, betrayal, etc) - and this may be because of a prior failed relationship or heartbreak. However, the fear could also be rooted in a person's childhood, says Dr Kini.
"If a person has observed an emotionally disruptive relationship in their childhood, this can definitely lead to them having relationship anxiety when they grow older. Other times, individuals fear not being with 'Mr./Ms. Right', or fear that the relationship might end without warning. Sometimes, commitment phobia is rooted in trust issues formed in individuals due to previous trauma, abuse or even unmet childhood needs."
Alexis believes that growing up in a big family may have had something to do with her fear of long-term commitment. "When you have a big family, more often than not, you see people fighting, and that used to really freak me out. I don't really believe that two people are meant to be together forever. No one really accepts another person for who they are, and wants them to change in some way. So I guess I feel like, if you don't commit, at least you have the option of walking out - so keep a safe distance!"
However, it is rare to be able to tell the source of one's fear - or to even tell if you have it in the first place. According to Dr Kini, the main difference between commitment phobia and other phobias is that there may be less awareness about the anxiety in the first place.
This may be true in the case of UAE resident Nikhil (name changed), who recently got married. He feels that he is not a commitment-phobe in the actual sense of the word, and the 32-year-old does not experience feelings of panic when in a relationship. However, he admitted that he used to view long-term relationships in a negative light (read: being tied down).
"I think it's actually complicated, and a pretty grey area," he says. "It may also depend on your partner. If she doesn't understand your feelings, it can get really suffocating. For example, if anyone ever invades my private space or my me-time, I will take a sour tone to the relationship. Give me the liberty to do what I want to do or I will take a step back from the relationship at once."
Largely due to its depiction in the media, it is widely believed that the fear of commitment is solely a male trait - but this is anything but true. Studies have proven that it affects both genders equally, and Dr Ahuja emphasises this fact. "However, I do believe that it can affect men and women in a different way, as they express it differently. I think men would experience it as being 'playboys' or serial daters, while women probably experience it by finding themselves constantly dating the 'wrong guy'," she explains.
Alexis also notes that she is often met with plain contempt or distrust when she talks about it. "I feel like this makes it worse. Most guys are really surprised when they hear that a woman can also have a problem with commitment, and most of them don't give me my space. But if someone can have a fear of water, how is hard to believe that you can have a fear of spending the rest of your life with someone?"
The good news is, commitment phobia, like all other phobias, can be dealt with. If it is a fear of finding 'Mr/Ms Right', then the answer is as simple as understanding that no one is perfect. If it is because of a past experience, you need to talk to your partner and explain your insecurities. "You have to introspect about why you have an issue with commitment," says Dr Ahuja. "If it is a fear of getting hurt, you need to face the fear. But the first step to solving an issue is admitting there is an issue."
janice@khaleejtimes.com
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