6 ways to stop comparing yourself with others

Dubai - Practical tips to get over comparison, status watching and being misled by other people's expectations of you

If you struggle with self-worth, the worst thing you can do is to compare yourself. Comparisons are the main reason for insecurity and lack of confidence as you are setting your standards based on someone else’s success or expectations.

A famous Zen analogy compares the mind to a lake. If the water is disturbed, churned up by the wind and the undercurrents, there is no clear reflection, nor can we see the bottom. As the water calms, the debris begins to settle and the water turns clear. A calm lake can also reflect the clouds and sky perfectly.

In the same way, if the mind is agitated by comparison, disturbed by the fears of competitiveness, and social validation — it will not reflect your true nature. Instead, you will be caught up in false self-imaging. The inner dimensions of your mind will remain murky and full of mental debris that clutters your thinking — unless you stop the comparison.

It is important to constantly remember : YOU are not anyone else, you are who YOU are, and if you want to succeed, you can only succeed as YOURSELF. The picture in your head of how you are supposed to be — created mainly by comparison to friends, family, films and unnatural expectations set by society will destroy your confidence.

Here are some practical lessons inspired by Zen, Yoga and Tantra that explain how to get rid of, or at least reduce, illusory social comparison and create a more meaningful life.

Focus

When you compare yourself to others, you fail to accept or acknowledge the choices you truly have. If you can concentrate on your choices based on your goals, you can find the alternative that works best for you. Keep the focus on your own situation, your strengths, your goals and you’ll never stray far from the path that is right for you.

Self-analysis

Recognise your strengths and limitations. When you compare yourself to others, the worst thing you can do is bank on your strengths or be put down by your limitations. Don’t concentrate on what you are not good at and spend time wishing you could be better. Instead, recognise your limitations and work to understand them, learning the skills needed to change. If you can name your mistakes, no one else needs to. Spend time weekly, if not daily, in self-introspection and study.

Be Zen

Zen monks don’t talk a lot about happiness, but aspire to live in a constant state of tranquillity. Learn from this and recognise that the “social hierarchy” game is a hindrance. It is an energy-draining distraction and could also lead you to unwittingly follow someone else’s priorities. “Comparing up” leads to feelings of envy and low self-esteem. “Comparing down”, to those who you are doing better than — leads to a false satisfaction of your achievements. Aim for equilibrium by bringing back the attention to yourself.

Beat the biology

Evolutionary biology confirms that status-watching is an adaptive behaviour and early humans did it to avoid rejection. Our conditions have changed significantly, so don’t you think it’s time to get rid of this primeval habit? Instead of comparing yourself to anyone else, measure where you are now, compared to earlier. If you see that you’re not progressing, it’s most likely because your goals are unclear. Measure your progress and hold yourself accountable for that — and no more.

Gratitude

Embrace your uniqueness and remind yourself of your blessings especially when you’re caught feeling like you’re not enough. You can feel grateful for family, your skills, your honesty, your growth, your sense of humour, your creativity etc.

What are your gifts? What makes you different? The purpose of your life is to find your voice. Feel grateful often and you’ll get rid of envy, comparison and self-doubt. You will have an increasing confidence and trust in yourself, and a deep sense of wellbeing.

Be proactive

Guard your precious time. Spending even one second comparing yourself to another is a waste. Instead focus on how you can change. Most of what goes on is out of your control, but your inner dimension is totally created by you. Breaking free from comparison is not a linear journey and there will be struggles and moments of insecurity, but maintain this attitude proactively and you will get over social anxiety and build your self-esteem.

To succeed, the only person you must compare yourself to is — YOU. Don’t compare your chapter 1 to someone’s chapter 20. Instead compare yourself to your goals, your values, to where you were and where you want to be. Understand that everything always happens in divine timing for you.

Success and happiness begin the moment you stop looking over your shoulder and you begin to focus on yourself. What’s stopping you?

wknd@khaleejtimes.com

Connect with Anjaan across social media @MeditateWithAnjaan

• Dubai