#GreyPride: A Minority Report

While many women - and men - we spoke to fELT there's nothing to be proud about when you "grey", there are those who feel ageing naturally, without resorting to that pot of colour, is liberating... it's all about wearing your grey with pride

by

Nivriti Butalia

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Published: Fri 5 Aug 2016, 12:00 AM

Last updated: Fri 5 Aug 2016, 2:00 AM

Indian author - and Booker Prize winner for The God Of Small Things - Arundhati Roy spoke of 'grey pride' in a recent magazine interview. She was talking about her hair, and why "grey pride, man!" was the reason she thought she was on the mag cover. So we decided to ask people about 'grey pride' (half a dozen of them were stumped: they either misheard or misread because they skipped one crucial syllable) and split some hairs.
Janaki Ghatpande, a writer who moved from Mumbai to New York in 2014 and now lives in Chicago with her husband, greyed in her early 20s. She's now 38, and used to dye her hair on and off. She says, "I felt like I was conforming by covering my grey", adding, "Initially, I tried it as a fun thing. But soon it became this one more thing I had to do to look presentable and 'marriageable'." Does she wear the grey with pride? "Now, yes."
Being grey in the Middle East is not the norm. Not for women in any case. And while we did find a handful of women and men (in their 20s, 30s, 40s) who don't colour or dye their hair, and have no qualms about the whites taking over, the tribe is still a minority.
Among Arab women in the UAE, there's no grey pride. Most of those we spoke to told us they wouldn't dream of letting their greys show.
An Emirati housewife Mariam Mohamed (family name withheld) says, "We do touch-ups at home with henna or at salons. All my sisters, aunts and friends colour their hair." She even shares a recipe for henna. "You boil dried lemon, take water and mix it with henna; then you add boiled coffee or karkadaih powder (hibsicus). Leave it for 3-4 hours and then you apply to your hair."
Mariam says grey - unless a deliberately-dyed fashionable silver tint, Lady Ga Ga-style - is not what the locals ever want. The aspiration is all about shades of burgundy, mahogany, gold, bronze, other metallic tints, walnut, chestnut. "My husband also dyes his beard because he doesn't want to look old for his business meetings. We fight every time he dyes his hair," Mariam laughs, because, "I like his grey hair and beard. It's sexy."
Another Arab woman, a Sudanese in her mid-thirties, says quite flatly, "I don't want to look old and ugly," when asked why she colours her hair. She's been dyeing her hair since high school. Back in Khartoum, her mother used to do it for her - apply a mixture of black henna, water and coffee. "In our culture, you dye your grey hair so you look beautiful, khallas."
Another Emirati in her thirties, Fatma H (full name withheld), says, "All of us colour our hair. If you don't want chemicals, there is henna," Fatma says, "Women mostly can't wear grey hair without people thinking she's let herself go. But men look much better with grey hair. Like [Saudi comedian] Bader Saleh," she says, "or George Clooney".
Mona Sadek, a young PR woman in Dubai (with no greys), grew up in Saudi Arabia and the US. Her parents are from Egypt. In Saudi, she says, remembering a life 15 years ago, they lived in a compound with other Arabs and foreigners. And all the women in that compound looked at grey hair as an issue to be taken care of pronto. "If women had greys, it was perceived as sloppy. I don't think that's changed radically." She says, in PR especially, "women are expected to look beautiful and beauty is always associated with youth."
Industries like PR and airlines and, to an extent, hospitality, are keen for their representatives to maintain that youthful look. "It's a grooming issue," says a stewardess with a large airline. "You can get pulled up any time for not looking presentable: being overweight, a rip in the stocking, grey hair showing". She says, for one grey hair "no one will say anything", but everyone knows it's not supposed to be there.
On the other side of the grey fence, there's Delhi girl Sheebani Sethi, a corporate lawyer and group legal counsel with a large MNC, who is a couple of months shy of 41. "I feel older because I am growing older," she says. "It has nothing to do with grey hair." She's happy to not be in her twenties any more. "I still feel young without having to deal with all the angst and uncertainties and self-confidence issues. And realising your self-worth should not be linked to how you look or how attractive people think you are." She doesn't dye nor does she henna. "Too much hassle. I'm happy with what I have. Henna makes hair orange and why would I want to look like a traffic cone?"
Dubai resident Deval Kartik turned grey two years ago. She loves her look, and doesn't see herself falling back on hair colour. An academician, Deval says the salon ladies "scare you and pressurise you with their marketing tactics". She would know - she has a PhD in consumer behaviour. And she doesn't get the fuss about hiding your age. "You don't want a toddler to be a toddler all his life. Ageing is a beautiful part of life, why hide it?"
Deeba Rajpal, an India-based food writer, photographer and stylist, says cosmetic things have never bothered her. She's in her late 40s. "I think I was 42-43 when they started showing up. Never bothered me for a second". One time she did get "pressurised by the daughter", and coloured her hair, but "instantly knew that I wasn't cut out for it". She says, "If I have time, I'd rather be tinkering in the kitchen, experimenting with baking, taking photos, shopping for props, travelling, playing with the dog, Instagramming etc". Does she think women get the short shrift? "Yes. especially relatives can be judgmental and outspoken. Also, you cannot go to the salon without 'them' chasing you with exclamations, offers, suggestions, praises on how lovely a hair job would make you look and feel! I know of a lot of women in the corporate world who get pressurised to colour their hair so 'people don't judge/stare' or treat them as 'old'."
Another "creative type" is mosaic artist Kanika Singh, in her early 40s. Kanika stopped colouring her hair as soon as she quit her corporate career. "I was fed up of sporting dry, limp hair that needed a root touch-up every two weeks." Going grey, she says, "has given me all the freedom. I feel I have reverse aged. I feel liberated, beautiful, energetic and young. I have never made so many heads turn or inspired so many people before in my life. My mum, my older sister, my aunt and so many others have followed suit in going grey after I did".
What about men? And the perception that men with grey look dishy but women look like hags? Arts manager ("in her very late 30s", she says) Darshana Davé feels she's in a "good community of go-greyers!" At the same time, she does "recognise the sexist attitude towards greying". "There's a lovely term, 'silver fox', used for men but I don't know an equivalent (positive) term for women out there."
Rajeev Kalambi, an asset manager based in Dubai, started graying in his late teens. People liken him to Richard Gere. And he's not complaining! Rajeev has never dyed his hair nor does he have a problem with it. The grey, he says, helped him a lot with his client interactions "as my grey hair was attributed to wisdom or experience."
Are women with grey considered unattractive? "It doesn't matter to me," he says. "What matters is the overall package - how the woman presents herself. She could be grey or bald. What I find attractive is the way she carries herself, her poise/form, her intellect, expressiveness."
Hearteningly, this view has been echoed to us by a number of men. Rajeev's wife, Smriti Lamech, writer and editor, says, "I've never wanted my husband to dye his hair because I can't stand the idea of the fakeness of it!"
There's also the ageing gracefully bit. Smriti says, "I see ancient people colouring their hair jet black. It looks ridiculous with their saggy faces. So yes, I think more of them are colouring hair. But more of us are greying early and a good number of those wear their grey with pride".
In Abu Dhabi, an early 'greyer', 29-year-old owner of a transport company Abdullah Rafiq, says he's not conscious of his grey at all, and doesn't want to end up like a relative of his who, at age 50, gets out tubes of hair colour every weekend. But there are very few grey-haired women, he says. So much so, that he remembers the time he saw one - at Ibn Batuta mall last weekend when he was out with his wife. "She couldn't have been more than 28-29," he says. "And she looked very nice."  
wknd@khaleejtimes.com