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Don't let grudges hurt your relationships

When you can't let it go, the grudge continues to eat away at your equanimity, always reminding you of a time when someone treated you badly. You can hold a grudge for something as seemingly inoffensive as a less-than-flattering comment your in-law makes about your new shirt, or you can feel more aggrieved by that same in-law's leaving you off a baby shower invitation list. Rather than feel you need to get over your grudge, though, writer Jolie Kerr proposes in a recent New York Times column that grudge-holding has benefits. She suggests that you "redefine the word 'grudge' as an experience to learn from." In fact, you should treat a grudge "like a protective amulet," which you can keep in a "grudge cabinet."
All of this flies in the face of what you've heard your entire life about the way that grudges can erode your relationships, happiness and mental health. In fact, the present political climate seems rife with grudges that are preventing government from overcoming their mutual resentments. Whether it's Brexit in the UK or the border wall in the US, politicians on opposite sides of a debate seem less likely than ever to get past the resentment they've harboured for years, if not decades. If a grudge is an amulet to be cherished, no one would ever be able to come to reasonable compromises that everyone can feel good about.
Power, however, seems to be an important component of the likelihood of maintaining a grudge. When you perceive yourself as holding more power, you'll be more likely to let a grudge fall by the wayside. Additionally, overcoming a grudge requires that you feel committed to the relationship with the other person. Although you might have felt slighted by your in-law overlooking you on the invitation list, you wouldn't want to hold on to your resentment so long that it would lead to a permanent rift that would go on for years and potentially force other family members to take sides.
Here are the five ways to overcome those grudges you may be so tempted to hold on to:
. Be the first one to seek reconciliation. Turning the other cheek is a well-known adage, and it's a method that can actually work. Perhaps you've felt offended by someone else's rude comment. Ask that person for clarification, or share your reaction to the comment in a noncritical manner. Either strategy will help you to preserve the relationship, and perhaps let the other person in on your sensitivities.
. Recognise your own power in the situation. If holding a grudge comes from the perception that you have less power than the other person, stop and examine how real that power differential actually is. Equalising the power dynamics should pave the way to forgiveness.
. Look for commonalities with the person you feel has wronged you. Conflicts have the potential, by definition, to highlight differences between people. If someone is crowding you out in a line or on public transit, consider that both of you share the desire to get where you're going. Rather than demonise this person, acknowledge that you're actually seeking the same goals.
. Don't let a slight take on a life of its own. That grudge you put in your treasure chest will only seem more valuable over time. Dispensing with the offense sooner rather than later will help it fade into distant memory.
. Recognise when your grudge comes out of a rational fear. If you're afraid of a negative outcome, such as retaliation from the transgressor, don't let the grudge eat away at you in an unabated manner. Seek help from someone who can go to the transgressor to ensure you are safe.
To sum up, grudges remain one of the most unpleasant results of interpersonal disputes. Learn how to turn your grudges into reconciliation, and your relationships will be that much more fulfilling.
-Psychology Today
Susan Krauss Whitbourne, Ph.D., ABPP, is a Professor Emerita of Psychological and Brain Sciences at the University of Massachusetts Amherst