The young pacer, who was hit by Rinku for five sixes in one over last year, held his nerve to defend 17 runs in the final over against Chennai on Sunday
cricket3 hours ago
At our core, we are meaning-makers. We live through and then interpret the events of our lives, bringing order to our experiences. When we endure pain and unhappiness, we find ways to frame and understand it and sometimes even find value in it. That process is integral to moving through and living with the experiences.
When we see a loved one moving through a painful time in their life, we may want to help them make meaning of their experience and mitigate their pain. How do we do that? We try to help them see the bright side of things.
We say things like:
• At least you still have your health.
• At least it wasn’t cancer.
• At least your marriage produced your kids.
• At least he lived into his 80s.
• At least you still have a job.
We mean well when we offer the words “at least”. We hope to help them feel gratitude amid their pain, perspective during a difficult stretch. And the words we offer may be true; a person coming through a health scare may not have cancer, a recently deceased loved one may have lived a full and healthy life, and unhappy marriages can yield beloved children. That’s not the issue when we offer up a version of “just be grateful that” or “look on the bright side.”
There are two issues that arise when we offer the words “at least”. The first is that every person needs to come to their narrative in their own time. A person who just lost a loved one may not immediately be able to look on the bright side. The pain is too fresh, the loss too jarring and difficult. The end of a marriage may eventually lead to being able to cherish the good memories, but that is unlikely to happen immediately. When we tell a person to look on the bright side on our time schedule instead of their own, we inadvertently circumvent the grief process by trying to jump past the uncomfortable-loss part of the process. We diminish it. The result is the person in pain feels rushed and pressured to just feel better already. In case this needs to be said: Feeling bad when bad things happen is normal and natural and appropriate.
The second issue with offering the words “at least” is that the person may never find meaning in the way we’d like them to. A person needs to process their pain in their own way. As a person moves through sadness and starts to make sense of their reality, they will craft a story that helps them live with the experience. That may involve gratitude that at least they have their health or their children. But it may not. Some people come through a painful experience and never find the silver lining; instead they accept the pain for what it is and find a way to move forward. The “at least” may never come, even if we want it to. Telling somebody to look on the bright side may make us feel better about their pain, but it may never resonate with them.
What Should I Say Instead?
When a loved one is going through a difficult time, try saying things like:
• “That’s so hard, how are you doing?”
• “What’s been the hardest part of this for you?”
• “Would you like to talk about it or would you prefer to talk about something else?”
• “Wow, I’m so sorry.”
Why are these phrases so much harder than telling somebody to look on the bright side? Because they involve sitting with somebody else’s pain rather than trying to rush through it. These phrases signal to the person that we are willing to be with them, even when it is uncomfortable. And that might just be exactly what they need.
— Psychology Today
Sarah Epstein is a marriage and family therapist working in Philadelphia
The young pacer, who was hit by Rinku for five sixes in one over last year, held his nerve to defend 17 runs in the final over against Chennai on Sunday
cricket3 hours ago
Zelensky calls on Western allies to supply Kyiv with additional air defence systems to protect Kharkiv and other cities
europe3 hours ago
The hospital's specialist medical team has performed five delicate surgeries during the past two days
world3 hours ago
A helicopter carrying Ebrahim Raisi and his foreign minister crashed on Sunday as it was crossing mountain terrain in heavy fog
mena3 hours ago
The accident shut down the port, though temporary channels have allowed some traffic in and out of Baltimore
americas4 hours ago
Nasser hospital in Khan Younis was attacked by Israeli army for over a week in February, saying Hamas was holding hostages there
mena4 hours ago
The President was speaking at a graduation ceremony at Morehouse College in Atlanta, Georgia
americas4 hours ago
Martin Griffiths says battles near the Rafah and Kerem Shalom crossings in Gaza's south meant the vital routes are effectively blocked
mena4 hours ago