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Revisiting painful memories can loosen their grip

It probably goes without saying that not everyone is the ideal person to share your trauma with. Some people may have a hard time hearing it based on their own trauma history.

When we've survived an extremely upsetting event, it can be painful to revisit the memory. Many of us would prefer not to talk about it, whether it was a car accident, fire, assault, medical emergency, or something else.
However, our trauma memories can continue to haunt us, even - or especially - if we try to avoid them. The more we push away the memory, the more the thoughts tend to intrude on our minds.
If and how we decide to share our trauma memories is a very personal choice, and we have to choose carefully those we entrust with this part of ourselves.
>Feelings of shame subside. Keeping trauma a secret can reinforce the feeling that there's something shameful about what happened - or even about oneself on a more fundamental level. We might believe that others will think less of us if we tell them about our traumatic experience.
When we tell our story and find support instead of shame or criticism, we discover we have nothing to hide.
> Unhelpful beliefs about the event are corrected. Many people experience shifts in their beliefs about themselves, other people, and the world following a traumatic event. When we keep the story inside, we tend to focus on the parts that are most frightening or that make us feel self-critical.These shifts typically don't require heavy lifting by the therapist to help the trauma survivor recognise the distorted beliefs. Instead, there's something about opening the book of one's trauma memory and reading it aloud, "from cover to cover," that exposes false beliefs.
> The memory becomes less triggering. Revisiting a trauma memory can be very upsetting, triggering strong emotional and physical reactions and even flashbacks to the event. Through retelling the story of what happened, we find that our distress about it goes down. The first time, it's likely to be very upsetting, even overwhelming, and we might think we'll never be able to tolerate the memory. With repeated retelling to people who love and care about us, though, we find the opposite - that the memory no longer grips us.
>You find a sense of mastery. As we talk about our trauma, we find that we're not broken. Many trauma survivors I've worked with described the strength they found as they faced their trauma and told their story. They said they felt like they could face anything, as they saw their fear lessen and found greater freedom in their lives. It takes courage to tell your story, and witnessing your own courage shows you that you're not only strong, but also whole.
> The trauma memory becomes more organised. Trauma memories tends to be somewhat disorganised compared to other types of memories. They're often stored in fragments, disconnected from a clear narrative and a broader context. Recounting the trauma begins to organise the memory into a story of what happened. We can see that it has a beginning, a middle, and an end, and that it happened at a specific place and a specific time. We can better understand the events that led up to it, and our own reactions at the time and in the aftermath
> You begin to make sense of the trauma. The biggest benefit from sharing our trauma stories may come from starting to make sense of a senseless event.
It probably goes without saying that not everyone is the ideal person to share your trauma with. Some people may have a hard time hearing it based on their own trauma history. Others might respond with blame or criticism, or other non-validating responses. Choose carefully so that the person is likely to meet your story with understanding and compassion.
Timing is also important. It may take time before you're at the point where you're able to put the trauma into words. Be patient with yourself, recognizing that "not now" doesn't have to mean "never." Again, you get to decide when, where, and how you tell your story, which is a crucial part of owning the events of your life.
-Psychology Today
Seth J Gillihan is a clinical assistant professor of psychology at the University of Pennsylvania