Stray thoughts on the New York-to-Washington shuttle

I HAVE lots of time to think on the New York-to-Washington shuttle, particularly since I always wind up in the middle seat.

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Published: Sat 28 May 2005, 10:48 AM

Last updated: Thu 2 Apr 2015, 6:47 PM

Here are some of my thoughts.

"Whenever I watch Bill O’Reilly on Fox TV, I want to open my window and shout, "I’m mad as hell and I am not going to take him anymore."’

"I believe in God, but I am still a Democrat."

"If illegals were forbidden to enter the country, who would pick my lettuce?"

"If they discovered a ‘no-fly’ passenger on the plane, they would probably divert us to Nome, Alaska."

"I would rather have the ‘nuclear option’ than North Korea."

"I would teach creation in the schools, but I would cut out the stuff about Eve and the rotten apple."

"We should not torture prisoners unless we believe they are not telling the truth."

"I still will read Newsweek, but I’ll skip the ‘Periscope’ section."

"If Michael Jackson wanted to sleep in my house, he would have to sleep alone."

"I believe a divorce should only be between a man and a woman."

"Saddam Hussein could make a few bucks if he wore Fruit of the Loom boxer shorts."

"I sleep better at night knowing President Bush loves to ride his bicycle."

"Going bankrupt at United Airlines means never having to say you’re sorry."

"If we send the National Guard to patrol the Mexican-US border after they come back from Iraq, we will save oodles of money."

"Closing military bases is the economical thing to do, but it is not politically correct."

"The Christian Right has more influence in the White House than the Christian Scientists."

"If people are comparing the latest ‘Star Wars’ movie to the Administration, who is Darth Vader?"

"I’m willing to buy the whole war in Iraq if someone will tell me the difference between the Shiites, the Sunni and the Kurds."

"Do all the poppies raised in Afghanistan for opium need to have American fertilizer?"

"Suppose all the ‘Desperate’ housewives’ insurance policies were cancelled because they live in such a crime-ridden neighbourhood?"

"I would rather sell my house for three times what I paid for it than curse the darkness."

"If he weren’t in politics, Tom DeLay would have an Indian gambling casino named after him."

"We’re not going to go to Guantanamo Bay on vacation this summer because it is too expensive."

"If the Pentagon accepted accountability for everything it does, it would make for a lousy war."

"The same thing goes for the CIA."

"I only get 10 miles per gallon on my SUV, and I am mad as hell and am not going to take it anymore."

"I would rather have my identity stolen than have friends know who I really am."

"No child should be left behind, unless he wants to bring a gun to school."

"The stewardess on this flight just gave me a bagel and said it was the last thing she had left in her pension."

"I bet you when Donald Trump flies on the shuttle he never has to sit in the middle seat."

Having evil thoughts on the shuttle is the best revenge.

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