Dubai Diaries: A horrible history of Father's Day gifts

What do you get the man who usually wants for nothing, never expresses any interest in trinkets, nor enjoys much fuss? I’m of course generalising, but in my experience fathers tend not to even remember it’s their special day let alone plan to do anything or expect a present. This leaves those wishing to mark the occasion at a complete loss for inspiration (good job you have today’s edition of City Times to help you with any last-minute ideas!). That being said, simply because the recipient isn’t up for the surprise, it doesn’t keep us offspring from the annual trudge around the mall or, more recently, browse online for something to wrap. When we’re really young, it’s easy: make something hideous at school usually involving dried pasta and silver spray paint et voila. Throw in a felt tip scribbled card and you have the potential for a heartwarming if not Turner Prize-winning memory. The older you are, however, the more difficult the ritual becomes. With my dad, things began badly and have evolved into a running joke about the atrocious gifting standards to which my brother and I can descend.

“You spent your money on this?” Came the response when it was handed over on a stiflingly hot Sunday morning in June. “Yes,” we said in unison. “It goes on your belt,” my brother helpfully indicated with a finger pointed at his trousers conspicuous only for their lack of a belt. “Did you keep the receipt?” was dad’s retort. And lo, his Father’s Day catchphrase was born. Through the car wash voucher, to the pair of sandals two sizes too small, to the year we bought a DVD from America that didn’t work in Europe and beyond, those five words are now what we all look forward to most.