Why do we feel the need to be validated?

It takes me a lot of effort not to praise my son. I am so proud of him, I want to tell him everyday how well he behaved and how well he played a sport and how kind he was to his friend and how he listened to me…

It takes me a lot of effort to not criticise my son. I expect more of a person who has doting parents, opportunities, food, water, love, friends. I expect more of him when he disrespects me.

In both instances, I feel the words rising in my throat… both good and bad… and I have to physically swallow them. But why would you not want to praise your child? Wouldn’t that reinforce ‘good’ behaviour? Similarly, why would you not want to make your displeasure at his ‘bad’ behaviour clear?

Because: We don’t want our children to feel worthy or not worthy because of their actions. Their actions do not define who they are. They are both ‘good’ and ‘bad’; they are both ‘rude’ and ‘kind’; there is night and day; there is black and white.

We are dual. Having both sides is human. By giving energy to one side, for example, praising our children when they play a sport well, they will start feeling that it is important to play well to get us to love them. They will start hating themselves when they play badly. They will begin to feel less worthy when they don’t because their parents’ face didn’t light up.

Similarly, when we start criticising our children and ‘punishing’ them with our displeasure and words, we are giving their darker side more attention. If there is a time when they don’t feel like they’re getting enough attention from us, they will act out in a way that gets them the attention they’re craving — screaming, yelling, being rude, playing badly… they know it’s ‘bad’, but it got their busy parent to give them attention. And soon, they start believing that they are, in fact, ‘bad’.

I know this is a difficult concept to come to terms with. How will we teach our child what is good and bad if we don’t express how we feel? How will our children learn?

The answer is simple: teach your children to look within and learn from their feelings, NOT how we make them feel. This is a subtle but very important difference. Ask them how they felt in a certain instance, NOT express how you felt. Teach them to look within. You’re teaching them a skill — looking within for worth, not relying on your praise to feel good.

Connect with the feelings beneath the behaviour.

wknd@khaleejtimes.com