Can we raise children without controlling them?

Dubai - Yes, there is a way. Columnist Kavita Srinivasan explains parenthood in the modern age

“I have to push them to swim or they wouldn’t do it,” a friend of mine recently confessed, after reading my last column about parenting not being a dictatorship.

“I had to take control,” she said. “They have to be water safe.”

It’s understandable — our need to make sure our children learn, grow, are water safe, healthy… the list goes on. The question is, HOW do we achieve this without them resenting us and wanting to run a mile away from our instructions?

It is possible to teach our children everything we want to WITHOUT

(a) making them feel controlled and

(b) most importantly, by preserving the most vital thing in any parent-child relationship: CONNECTION.

Here’s how:

Pick three things you want to be firm about.

Children stop listening when we’re constantly imposing our opinion on them. Learn to say ‘YES’ more than you say ‘NO’. This way they will actually take you seriously. There are three things that I am firm about. Everything else is up for negotiation:

1) Screen time: Technology and social media are wonderful in many ways but not when they disconnect you from people and the world around you. It is important for our children to be bored and to learn from the natural world around them. Too much screen time can actually impede our child’s potential.

I say:

To a toddler (because I have one!): “I know you love watching xx. It is upsetting to stop. It is time to put it away. We can watch more tomorrow.”

How you can say this to an older child: “I know you love your video game. Play for a little while, yes. Too much playing is not great, like too much of anything is not great (sleep, exercise, work…). Can we agree on a time to stop and spend some time together? Let’s figure this out together!”

The key: Collaboration and saying the word ‘NO’ as little as possible.

If they’re pushing back, repeat it over and over again whilst maintaining your calm. If they’re still not stopping, say the following:

“You’re having a hard time not stopping. I’m going to take the remote away. It’s okay to be upset. I am here with you.”

Keep repeating this. Hold your boundary. The key is to stay calm when they’re screaming. You are the confident leader of your home. You are the adult. Consistency is the key. Never give in.

2) Bedtime: Having a predictable bedtime routine is hugely important in emotionally regulating your child. Children like stability, children need predictability and they thrive on a mundane, regulated schedule. This is especially true for toddlers — their brains can’t cope with change. They do best when they know what’s coming next.

If there is pushback for bedtime:

wknd@khaleejtimes.com