When Harry met Sally

Meeting that special someone can take more than just a few dates. But getting those dates can be hard. Which one of us likes to risk rejection? Dr Jeremy Nicholson has studied influence and persuasion in terms of dating and he shares some useful information on the rules of attraction on the website Psychology Today.

First of all, research tells us that getting to ‘yes’ is more important than worrying about someone’s initial impression when it comes to getting that first date. Once we make a choice to ask someone out or give someone our phone number, we rationalise our decision afterwards. Someone will find you more attractive after he or she has chosen to give you an opening. People don’t necessarily choose what they like — they end up liking what they’ve chosen.

There are a number of psychological mechanisms in place here. They include self-perception, post-decision dissonance and choice blindness.

In terms of self-perception, people don’t easily recognise how situational and persuasive influences have affec-ted their decisions or behaviour so they infer their own feelings and opinions on the choices they’ve made. Post-decision dissonance refers to the fact that we don’t want to regret or feel uncomfortable with decisions we’ve made so we rationalise them afterwards. Scientists have long understood that what we do isn’t so much a matter of our real feelings or preferences — what we do often ends up creating those feelings and opinions.

In one study, participants were asked to choose between faces based on level of attractiveness, then given a photo of the person that they chose and asked to explain what made them attractive. The researchers played a small trick on some of the participants. They handed some people photos of faces they had not chosen.

Most of the study participants didn’t even notice the difference and would describe why that person in the photo was attractive. Once they believed that they had made a choice, they ended up liking and rationalising their choice. This is what is called choice blindness.

So how do you get to that initial yes? Nicholson has plenty to say about that, too. Non-verbal communication is often more persuasive than what you say with words in terms of getting a first date. Your body language must first match your speech and your approach should change once you achieve a level of rapport.

When you first meet someone (or are trying to meet them), they will be cautious and guarded. In order to make them feel more comfortable, you should give them plenty of personal space and avoid leaning into them, even leaning backwards. You should speak and move slowly and use small gestures.

As a person becomes more comfortable with you, when they feel some sense of liking and safety, you will see their body language relax, they will make more eye contact and smile more. That’s when you should shift your verbal and non-verbal communication.

You should then lean in, become more expansive in your movements and speech. You should speak and move more quickly to express eagerness and interest. That’s when you might get or give a phone number, get asked or ask for a date.

This is when people still falter, however, still fear risking rejection. Nicholson cites research that finds making direct requests or statements of interest are your best bet. Scientists conducted a study in which people of about average attractiveness introduced themselves to strangers in public and politely commented on the other person’s attractiveness. They then made an immediate request for a date.

In 68 per cent of the cases, men 
accepted the request; women agreed 43 per cent of the time. These results are similar to other studies that find you can be successful about 50 per cent of the time by making a direct request to a stranger. Those are good odds!

If this still seems like an overwhelming prospect to you, you could consi-der more indirect suggestions to getting a date. Nicholson describes five tactics you may find more palatable: suggesting, making them think it’s their idea, putting them on the defensive, explaining the benefits or challenging them.

Suggesting: Nicholson recommends proposing alternatives to others. You first ask them what they’re doing in upcoming days and then propose an alternative with yourself.

Making them think it’s their idea: Ask someone for a suggestion, for a good eatery, a good show, a good outing and then when they tell you, thank them and ask them to go with you.

Putting them on the defensive: Nicholson advises taking a “Why not?” approach. You suggest a date and then ask them to give reasons why they shouldn’t.

Explaining the benefits: Explain what the benefits of going out with you are. You can tell them about a great place to go and then tack yourself on as an addition.

Challenging: Talk about a great thing to do and challenge someone to come up with an even better idea. Try a bet or a dare. Then you agree with their idea and ask when you’ll be doing this great thing together.

Indirectly asking for a date can backfire. While you may feel more comfortable using such techniques rather than making direct requests, they can sometimes feel manipulative to others. Many people prefer authenticity and directness. If you do use an indirect technique, I recommend that you smile so others consider your tactic appealing and not manipulative.