Warring over nothing

You may be familiar with this syndrome. Where normal, sensible people go ape over a trivial issue. I have just come off a flight and am relating to friends how I am so relieved smart gates at Dubai have the green bar and iris scan and you don't have to do that thumb print because at my age the lines are so fine it often doesn't work. Someone says, rubbish, you have to do a thumb print.
And you say, no, not really, you don't, you just shove in the ID in the slot and stare into the bar and it turns on, pop comes your picture and presto you collect your ID and go.
You have it wrong, says a friend, you still have to fingerprint, I did it recently. I did it three hours ago, I say, there is no printing anymore, hasn't been for a long time.
We did it last week, he says, and two people nod wisely and agree with him and I am saying that is obsolete, you used to do that, it is only the iris now, why would they do both, but no one is listening. So I tell them they once did, so are under that impression, but actually they did not.
You calling us liars, you think we are stupid.
Now, it is getting heated up, there is asperity and irritation whizzing about. Tempers are packing up to get lost. Someone is Googling Dubai Terminal 1 Smart Gates. We are literally on the verge of a fight. Over something that has no impact on our lives, is of zero significance at this point, and is so delightfully irrelevant but the rest of the evening sags sorrowfully and everyone is belligerent and snappy. The issue stays unresolved.
This is small stuff. Many years ago, a couple I knew had these very close friends and they were in each other's hair, literally inseparable. Then, one day, they got into an argument over eggs and cake and one of them said that eggless cakes can never be as good as cakes with beaten eggs in them and the other lady said, complete rubbish, I can make eggless cakes and you won't know the difference and the first lady said, of course I would know, don't insult my culinary prowess (no, she didn't say that but words to that effect) and the other one said, you know nothing about cakes and your cooking stinks anyway, then the argument rose into a smoky crescendo and they traded rude remarks about each other and how enough was enough and get off my case, if we ever meet again, it is too soon.
Yes, over eggs and a cake and yes, they did not speak to each other for three months and yes, the husbands tried to create peace and were told to stay out of it and oh yes, when an uneasy peace was made, it was just not the same and they drifted apart after that, friends no more. The cake probably stayed uneaten.
The colony I rent in at Delhi is the scene of frequent quarrels over car parking space. CPS is a major affliction even when there is space for two cars because one car will be poorly parked and shouting matches not only occur with brutal frequency but also have been the cause of major wars, conflicts surviving for generations, sullen silences in the elevator, and written complaints dispatched with venom to the management.
Woe betide a guest parking for 10 minutes in one of these exalted spaces. The security is hauled up, a shouting match ensues, threats are made, and crowds don't gather to watch because it is a regular affair.
But nothing beats the guy who broke off with his girl because they fought over the word 'zi' in a game of Scrabble. He insisted it was a word, she told him to go wash his mouth, it wasn't, he said she knew nothing, she told him he was an idiot, he said sore loser, she said I don't know what I saw in you, and as the stakes rose, fury galloped in on its horse and trampled love into the ground. They never made up.
Odds are you have done something silly like this. Utterly foolish reason to break off with someone. Tell me about it. Then do not peak, have some eggless cake and guess if 'zi' exists.
bikram@khaleejtimes.com