Looking for my USP

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Published: Thu 30 Apr 2020, 6:00 PM

Last updated: Thu 30 Apr 2020, 8:39 PM

Have you ever been intimidated by certain events or situations or individuals? Silly things like formal table settings with six different knives and forks. Homes that look like museums and you are afraid to walk around it in case you break something worth 20 years' salary. Those fancy high-end shops with attendants who have degrees from Snob School. People whose language skills stun you into silence and you dare not open your mouth for fear of making a fool of yourself. Sitting in a posh restaurant and not knowing what mulligatawny soup or gazpacho is, or asked if you like shallots and you haven't a clue what they are and you dare not confess. And don't tell me you have never had that scary experience of not knowing how the heck this 5-star hotel shower works seeing as how it looks like the controls of Apollo XVI and all you want to do is have a flipping bath, is that too much to ask.
The first of a few times I flew first class, the buttons had me writhing in agony, they would all know I am an imposter.
But all this is mere bagatelle when it comes to buzzwords. They freeze my intelligence and I turn into a bumbling twit. My first traumatic experience was at an ad fest where the most creative minds of the time had gathered and I found myself in a conversational bind with this forbidding-looking lady who then asked, so tell me, young man, what is your USP.
Huh.
Come on then, market yourself to me.
Duh.
Even at that raw age, I had learnt that ignorance, especially the rampant variety, is best camouflaged with mystique. Add a dash of denial and you have the perfect mix. So, after pretending I was weighing the import of her probe, I said in a stage whisper (whispering is an integral part of the mystique), if I share my USP with you, there will be nothing left to say, so for now I shall let you look for it.
Total gobbledygook but a sheen of respect glossed her face and she said, good answer, I like the chutzpah (the who?), you will go far.
In those days, we had no search engines and now I needed to know what a USP was, but how to find that out without giving myself away?
My dictionary didn't have it nor did the thesaurus. And the problem with acronyms and abbreviations is no one says what the alphabets stand for.
So, days of futility later, I am at another party and I turn to this total stranger and I say, so tell me what's your USP.
And he curls a lip and says, I am sick of this question, there has to be more to a person than one single unique selling point.
I could have hugged him. So I said, I like your attitude, you will go far.
bikram@khaleejtimes.com

By Bikram Vohra

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