Are You Over-Committed?

Having a high level of commitment in a romantic relationship may not always be a good thing, says Oksana Tashakova

Commitment is a good thing in a relationship, right? Not always. There is such a thing as over-commitment, when one or both people have an unhealthy level of commitment in a romantic relationship. Why is this bad? Over-commitment can actually endanger the relationship in the long run, negatively affect self-esteem, create volatility and defensiveness, and this kind of commitment doesn’t equate with closeness in the relationship. The kind of over-commitment I’m talking about is characterised by relationship-contingent self-esteem (RCSE).

University of Houston researcher Chip Knee and his colleagues conducted a series of studies to investigate RCSE. If a man or woman invests too much in a romantic relationship, determining their own self-worth by their perceived estimation of the relationship, Knee found that even minor disagreements seem like devastating rifts, miscommunications can lead to anxiety and depression, and partners may develop obsessive and needy behaviours when it comes to love.

People with high relationship-contingent self-esteem feel badly about themselves no matter what negative thing happens, no matter how inconsequential or who is at fault. They tend to react emotionally and impulsively, and are unable to separate themselves from the event or the relationship. These negative feelings can lead to increasingly defensive behaviour and hostility, jeopardising both the health of the relationship and the mental health of the parties involved.

It’s normal for people in relationships to feel committed and invested, to think of their partner along with themselves, but RCSE goes way beyond these romantic feelings.

Self-esteem is thought to be based on the fundamental need for autonomy, competence and relatedness. Autonomy involves the need to feel like you initiate your actions and behaviour and rely on your own judgment and approval. 
Competence involves the need to feel able and effective at what you do. Relatedness refers to the need to experience attachment, belonging and intimacy. When these basic needs aren’t met in life, the implications for romantic relationships are weighty.

With relationship-contingent self-esteem, a romantic partner or partners don’t feel like they have any degree of control in the relationship, they cannot predict what will happen next and they feel like they are at the mercy of the tides. They don’t feel as if their involvement is truly voluntary and they act in ways to protect the damaged self. People with high levels of RCSE don’t really feel cared for, understood or validated in the relationship and so cannot extend the same towards their partner. RCSE undermines the relationship and the faulty relationship can further damage self-esteem.

Other studies have found that when autonomy, competence and relatedness needs are fulfilled in a relationship, the more authentic and healthy commitment occurs and the more satisfaction partners experience, even after conflict.

Yet other studies of contingent self-esteem, whether someone bases their self-worth on academic achievement or the approval of others, have found that it lowers self-esteem and well-being, that more attention is paid to negative events than positive, and that achievements matter much less than mistakes or failures. When you base your self-worth on external events or the expectations of others, you have a shaky foundation for self-esteem.

With RCSE, partners pay more attention to negative experiences than positive; commitment is based on protecting their self-regard rather than about the relationship; and being attuned to any sign — realistic or not — of rejection affects how partners behave and contributes to worsening experiences.

With high RCSE, romantic partners can become obsessively needy, subsuming authentic needs for autonomy, competence and relatedness to gain continual reassurances and protect the self. Every conflict or negative feeling is seen as a threat to the self rather than an opportunity for growth and improvement. Accurate judgment and perception is damaged. The drive to protect the self causes romantic partners to become less invested in determining the feelings and needs of their partner. The pressure and stress that romantic partners feel in terms of self-esteem can make them feel as if the relationship is coercive, controlling, that they’re somehow helpless in the whole dynamic.

While a certain degree of interdependence and identification is a part of healthy relationships, over-commitment isn’t authentic commitment. RCSE doesn’t lead to closeness between partners or satisfaction with the relationship. RCSE can lead to obsessive and manic love relationships.

The authors wondered if there might be a degree of relationship-contingent self-esteem that does lead to healthy relationships. They found that moderate levels of RCSE didn’t contribute to better relationships or levels of self-esteem.

The kind of interdependence that a healthy, loving relationship requires to deepen commitment is nothing like the interdependence RCSE is about. Some of the most seemingly committed partners in these studies were clinging to each other because of high RCSE levels, out of desperation, lack of control and non-fulfillment of their individual needs. The four studies that Knee conducted found no difference between men and women when it came to the prevalence of RCSE.

What does this mean for you? No matter whether you’re in a relationship, looking for one, or having repeated, failed romances, you can come to understand what your needs are, whether or not you’re pursuing or subsuming them, and whether or not you’re working towards them in the right way. With help, you can come to understand what may be standing in the way of an authentic, committed and loving relationship for yourself.

You can learn to meet your needs in healthy ways. You can learn to recognise signs of an unhealthy relationship. You can learn to control your thoughts and actions, understand your feelings and how they drive your behaviour. You can learn to let down barriers to true connectedness. You can develop or pursue a truly passionate and progressive romantic relationship.

(Write to Oksana at oksana.designlife@gmail.com.)