WKND parenting tips: How do you raise a 'successful' child?

Dubai - As parents, we are in a unique position to nourish children with unconditional love

I was a straight ‘A’ student, a model child. I did what I was told and did it well. I went to the ‘right’ schools and was exposed to the ‘right’ things; I was privileged. My parents had sacrificed everything for me to get to where they never had, to see what they hadn’t, to experience what they never did… I was given it all. The late nights at the office, the unending work-related travel, the sweat and toil… it was all for my sister and I.

The future was calling; its beauty promising; its mirage-like sheen visible only if my stellar report card held it within sight.

A few years ago, my glass castle of academic achievement came crashing down. I had married the wrong man for me. He may have been right for someone else, but we were not good for each other. None of my badges of honour held up. I was a failure.

It was my father who woke me up. He asked me to listen to myself. And I did. My voice hadn’t mattered till I found solace in his. It was his voice that gave me the worth I had so little of to start with. And there is the answer. When my parents saw the pain beneath my perfection, the struggle beneath my calm… that is the day I felt I didn’t need to do anything to deserve their love. They loved me, whether I failed or succeeded. They loved me. It didn’t matter that I had crashed, burned and failed at marriage. It didn’t bother my parents. My pain mattered, not my success.

I found my worth through the unconditional love and acceptance my parents nourished me with. And I went on to find the kind of companionship and love with my second marriage, that I finally fully felt for myself — whole, worthy and deep with acceptance and celebration. I only tasted ‘success’ after I was ‘seen’.

So, how do we raise successful children? It is outside of anything we’ve been taught. Getting the right grades, being friends with the ‘right’ people, looking a certain way, going to the most prestigious schools… all of these are empty measures. They are noisy vessels of hope us parents cling to that shatter when they break our hearts. They were empty to begin with. We fooled ourselves into thinking they would fill us up.

Everything we’ve been taught about ‘success’ is external. The world is fragile, people are capricious, grades are one-dimensional. Pegging our precious children’s beings and worth onto these fragile metrics is dangerous. The only thing that can fill their cup is what filled mine when I was 31 years old and had expressed my truth to my father: to be seen, to be loved, to feel worthy, to be heard, for who we are, not what we do.

As parents, we are in a unique position to fill our children’s cups with overflowing worth and love. When you see the child before you, see them. When you measure their success through the external, stop.

This is not to say you don’t encourage their work ethic or help them learn… but don’t measure their achievements through fragile cultural metrics of worth. We are so much more than what we do.

Our children are worthy just by being. They were born whole and, no matter what they achieve, they remain whole and deserving of unconditional love. Embrace this truth and you will give your child the internal muscle to face challenges life throws his or her way, no matter what.

wknd@khaleejtimes.com