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Look who’s coming to visit India

Jeremiah Wastemore is a top-ranking shredding machine operator in the Pentagon and he is slated to be promoted as a washroom and car park attendant if the powerful Senate Armed Services Committee approves his nomination. He reports directly to the Defence Secretary Don Rumsfeld and the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff who consult him on a daily basis on vital national security policy matters concerning optimum use of Defence Department’s shredding machines and emptying trash cans. "Yes", said Wastemore cautiously when asked to comment on reports in the New York Times, CNN and the wire services that he was planning an early trip to Delhi. "A visit is on the cards in late autumn and the President is likely to make an official announcement in this regard during his next nationally televised address to the American people from the White House or during his next State of the Union address."

"I plan to discuss with temporary office assistants of the Indian defence ministry the question of transfer of technology for the manufacture in India under licence of 1909-model hand-cranked shredding machine. However, at this point in time, information on ways to feed the machines with papers to be shredded is classified and unless the Glenn and Pressler amendments are waived as a one-time exception through a bipartisan congressional vote, it can’t be divulged to the Indian side."

Wastemore refused to confirm or deny a story in the Christian Science Monitor that he might look into waste paper baskets in Government of India offices while in Delhi as part of the ongoing diplomatic normalisation and confidence-building measures between India and the United States saying, "I only comment on reports of substance and not on speculation and conjectures."

Tom Gross is a senior janitor and elevator operator in the US Commerce Dept and he quickly confirmed reports in the Boston Globe and CBS News that he was slated to head a high-level business delegation to India.

Speaking in an exclusive interview to IANS, he said, "We want to signal to the Indian side that the United States is willing to waive Super 301 and sell India more floor mops, wash tubs and long-handled broomsticks it needs vitally for its ongoing economic liberalisation programme. We’re also inclined to respond positively to the Indian request to be granted the Most Favoured Nation status as per the WTO Doha protocol and import a greater number of yogis and god men. However, the chief US trade negotiator is insisting that these holy personages must be god-realised souls having performed penance in the Himalayas for 12 years standing on one leg and I plan to sort out this knotty issue during my discussions with clerks and drivers of the Indian commerce ministry.

Gross also said he had sent a confidential memo to the president suggesting US import from India more saffron robes, meditation beads and consecrated ash.

Beulah Nixon is a grade-18 window washer in the US National Science Foundation and reached on the telephone at her suburban Bethesda, Maryland home, she said, "Yes", I’d be definitely leading a blue ribbon science delegation to India this fall and president Bush is likely to tie up the loose ends of my visit during his talks with the Indian Prime Minister Manmohan Singh. I plan to discuss with my Indian counterparts greater Indo-US scientific cooperation in areas like washing test tubes and retorts, re-arranging reagent bottles and preparing frogs and cockroaches specimens for dissection."

S Raghunath is a Bangalore-based writer