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Killers and cannibals

STRANGE THINGS are happening in Pakistan these days. Taleban don’t want to attack civilians and say killing innocent people is haram (prohibited), and police have arrested two villagers in southern Punjab for eating human flesh. “You can never trust humans,” Mr Right smiled. “They may surprise you any time.”

“I feel sorry for the accused cannibals,” I said. “They should be given a chance to negotiate a deal with the government to stop killing people for a one-dish party at their home.”

“Don’t go by media reports,” Mr Right cautioned me. “You can’t trust them always.”

“But they say talks are on the right track and who knows eternal peace returns to the country as a result with all killers and cannibals agreeing to retire prematurely,” I said.

“Why prematurely?” Mr Right quizzed me.

“Because the ‘do-it-yourself purification campaign’ of this ‘reform brigade’ still remains inconclusive,” I pointed out. “The country is strewn with so many tombs, places of worship and school buildings that are still intact. And young mothers everywhere seem determined to give birth to more ‘Malalas’ who don’t want to give up their passion for learning. ”

Mr Right agreed. “True the ‘reform brigade’ has an unfinished agenda, no doubt. For example, it must also be worried about the people in this country of the pure who are not so pure in their opinion and need correction,” Mr Right said.

“Despite warnings and punitive actions, some of these ‘wrong-doers’ here can not control their emotions, they don’t know when they shouldn’t laugh and when to hold their tears,” I reminded Mr Right.

“The same problem is being faced by the people in a Chinese province neighbouring Pakistan. Extremists there wanted a ban on laughter at weddings and crying at funeral,” he said.

“Criticising the activities of the militants in a statement in an official newspaper last week, the governor of the province exhorted the people to stamp out the ‘tumour’ of extremism.”

“Many wise men in our country too are in favour of creating an Emotions Control Authority to fix a quota of laughter at weddings and shedding tears at funerals but the plan could never be implemented because a consensus candidate was never found to lead that august body.”

“Thanks God,” I exclaimed. “The ‘No Laughter at Weddings and No Tears at Funerals’ Authority could not be formed here, otherwise some other group would have launched a drive for making people cry at weddings and laugh at funerals.”

“Scholarly religious bodies must act wisely to avoid a situation where these become laughing stock for others,” Mr Right stressed.

“A case in point is a resolution passed by the Sindh Assembly to abolish the country’s apex body for drafting religious recommendations. In turn, the chief of a religious-cum-political party demanded abolition of the Sindh assembly and holding of new elections.”

“This is a fight between two top organisations who are supposed to provide guidelines for a better, enlightened and progressive Pakistan,” I said. “But the people don’t know whether to laugh or cry on such occasions.”

“Well, if the people want to live happily they must learn to control their emotions,” Mr Right advised. “They must not waste their tears on ordinary mishaps, because much greater tragedies might be in store for them, who knows?”

“You are right,” I said. “Killers, kidnappers and cannibals might be granted royal amnesty and yesterday’s rebels might be treated as today’s highly respected patriots. If this happens, what the people should do?”

“Control their emotions, this is the only way they can survive,” Mr Right reiterated.

Najmul Hasan Rizvi is a former assistant editor of Khaleej Times