How to tap into your emotional intelligence

September 23 belonged to Roger Federer and why not? The Swiss great bid adieu with one last contest before he headed into retirement at age 41 after a superlative career that spanned nearly a quarter-century and included 20 Grand Slam titles and a statesman’s role. The match was not about who won or the scores, it was a farewell.

When the match ended, Federer hugged Raphael Nadal, then Tiafoe and Sock. And then Federer began crying. There were plenty of tears to go around; Nadal wiped his own away, too. We all have heard that men don’t cry. Here you had the GOAT himself wiping his tears and his rivals also choking with emotion. The match for me highlighted the fact that no matter how great or accomplished a person is, he is, after all a human with emotions.

While the Covid pandemic called for more compassionate leadership from our organizations, the display of emotion in the workplace remains a sticky topic. While historically there has been a view that we should keep a lid on our emotions at work, research from Wharton highlights the value of expressing our emotions. When people feel they have a sufficient level of psychological safety at work to express their emotions and feel supported in doing so, it helps them to generate ideas and solve problems more effectively. The norm was that at workplaces emotions were left at the door. It’s a culture rooted in a belief that work should be for logic and rational thinking rather than emotions, which can only undermine decision-making. This orthodox way of thinking should be challenged, because emotions are crucial to bonding as a team, which has a huge bearing on how effective we are at work. Managers hence should to dismiss emotions as a negative presence in the workplace, but rather treat them as a natural part of who we are as humans.

What is emotion? It is energy in motion. And when we ignore, stifle or suppress our emotions, we come to a stage of unease called disease. It is like strangling or suffocating ourselves. Just like breath, our feelings are just as natural to us as humans. Our brains process and assign an emotion to every experience we have. From breakfast in the morning to the TV show we watch at night we feel emotions. It's one of the brain's main functions. It's why certain smells can excite or calm us, or why an old song can make us happy or sad. But in order for the process to work and to feel healthy emotions, we need to express feelings in the right ways. We need to recognize which one we're feeling, express it and move on. We need to feel the feelings and let them go to deal with them in a healthy way.

Expressing an emotion doesn't have to be something outward like slamming a door, yelling or even telling someone about it. It can happen entirely in our minds, too. Instead of getting enraged at someone, we have to forget who we're angry at, forget the story behind it and allow ourselves to truly feel the emotion inside. We can say to ourselves, "I'm really mad, and that's OK." Or “I am really sad, and that’s OK.”

Just by doing that, we loosen the emotion's grip over our well-being. Expressing our emotions brings about a lot more benefits, too. It helps see problems in a new light, makes decision making and problem solving easier, reduces anxiety, and eases depression. When we fail to express our emotions, our brain can often go into a fight-or-flight state. This is a physical reaction to stress that sets off a chain of events throughout our bodies. It increases our heart rate, slows digestive functions and makes us feel anxious or depressed.

Our emotions result from our interactions with the environment and each other, guiding us through the many and varied situations we encounter in life and motivating us to do what is needed to reach our goals. What do we do when we cannot express our emotions? And how do we find ways to regulate them, maintaining control without becoming cold and distant? The answer appears to lie within our ability to manage our awareness and regulation of emotions, boosting our emotional intelligence.

To act with emotional intelligence, we need to regulate both our emotional experiences and our emotional expression. Individuals with difficulty managing their emotions are more likely to engage in substance abuse, fail to exercise, adopt poor eating habits, and have sleeping problems. Managing emotions is cultural too. Increased emotional expression at a funeral in one part of the world may be considered normal while totally inappropriate in another.

When I was in school, I had only heard about IQ, but I am really happy to see that EQ (Emotional Quotient) or rather emotional intelligence is getting its due. Companies and in particular, the HR departments are becoming more involved, understanding, and compassionate in their dealings. Like they say in sports, “what matters is the final score”, so whatever it takes to get the best results from individuals needs to be the norm.

These quotes sum it up so well.“In a study of skills that distinguish star performers in every field from entry-level jobs to executive positions, the single most important factor was not IQ, advanced degrees, or technical experience, it was EQ. Of the competencies required for excellent in performance in the job studies, 67% were emotional competencies.”

— Shilpa Bhasin Mehra is an independent legal consultant based in Dubai.