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Life's like that: Why you should speak using SEO
Extreme brevity when speaking to people may lead to unusual results — you may actually get what you want
- PUBLISHED: Fri 9 May 2025, 6:54 AM
Silent is the home. Finally. I always wanted it this way. Or did I? People minding their own business in their own little cones of silence. No one talked. The summer shamal blowing through the window gaps hummed something like a dirge. Who said silence is golden? It’s the manna for those who seek a refuge far from the madding crowd.
All this homely change was thanks to Karen, whose recent lecture to the newsroom about the significance of search engine optimisation (SEO) in digital journalism resonated in my cognitive corridors as I got home after a long day. While pageviews is the Mackenna’s Gold every newspaper hunted for in the digital-first era, SEO has been the Apache roadmap to the hidden treasure. It’s an acronym as important as the word “meanwhile” in the era of print journalism.
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Before coming to the jargon of SEO, let’s take a look at some jokes about print journalists, especially editors, who once enjoyed a papal stature in the profession. They took the final call on the fate of tens of reports filed on a single day.
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There is this story about an upstart sub-editor who went to a village wet market to buy mutton on a sunny weekend. Cooling his heels in a long queue, the sub-editor’s eyes fell on the signboard that hung from the frontage of the shop, which read:
Fresh mutton is sold here.
— Proprietor
As his turn came to place the order, the shopkeeper asked: “Yes, sir, how many kilos?”
“Before coming to mutton, you need to beef up your marketing strategy, sir,” the deskie said.
“What do you mean?”
“There is extra fat that you need to cut on your signage, Fresh mutton is sold here.”
“What’s wrong with it, sir?”
“Isn’t obvious that you will only sell fresh mutton and people will never come here for rotten stuff?”
It made sense, the butcher thought. Covering the word fresh with a dash of mutton blood, he asked: “Happy? Tell me sir, how much you want?”
“Hang on, buddy. What is that word mutton doing there? With a dozen gory goat heads are displayed here, isn’t it obvious you only sell mutton here?”
Rubbing out mutton immediately with another scoop of blood, the butcher asked impatiently: “Happy now?”
“Wait, look at the word sold. I’m sure the guy who wrote it knows no English. You are here only to sell mutton, so why state the obvious? Remove the word.”
“Are you here to teach me language or to buy mutton?” The butcher seemed to be losing his cool as buyers began to line up behind the journo, yet he removed the word mutton.
“Now tell me, how many kilos?”
“Wait a minute. Look at the word here. Isn’t it obvious that you are selling it where you are staying put presently, not in the Himalayas?”
Biting his teeth, the butcher rubbed off the word, and said: “Sir, please hurry, tell me your order.”
As the remaining word is started to stare at the editor, the butcher didn’t wait for the obvious. With one slash of the skinning knife, he brought the billboard down, pulled the shutter down and screamed: “Get lost now.”
Coming back to Karen’s SEO class, she explained: “If you want to inform your editor about breaking news, how do you shout it out across the newsroom in one or two words? That’s what SEO is. For e.g. Trump shot in LA.”
I got home that day with an SEO hangover and shouted to wifey: food, drink. Two words that replaced the obvious, long winding conversation, “I am so tired tonight; I need to unwind with a drink or two. Leave me alone.”
It worked wonders. Next morning, my daughter Vava called to say: “Good morning. Love you dad. How are you today? Do you have some extra money that I could borrow? Need to buy something online for Shutti. Will return once my salary is credited. Can you share your card details, please? Thank you, love you dad.”
“Vava, cut the rubbish and say, ‘Transfer 1K.’ Speak SEO, baby.”
It was magical, familial conversation becoming SEO-friendly. In no time, digital jargon crept into our living room, kitchen, bedroom, the car and even phone calls, and messages.
“Don’t forget” was the message I received the other day with an attachment that said grocery list.
As I gulped the last sip of my beverage and was about to retire to bed last weekend, wifey said: “Sleep divorce tonight.” Three words meant to replace a long winding request to drop any fancy ideas about the rest of the night.
That reminds me of another editor who boarded a line bus and happened to read a notice on the steps. “Please do not stand on the footboard. It’s dangerous and may even lead you to your death.”
Feeling nauseous after reading the notice, the journalist approached the bus conductor and asked: “Can you please change this notice to, don’t stand here. You may die?”
To the slow learners in the family, I say: “Follow Shutti.” That’s my monosyllabic, toddler grandson who is a master of SEO.
Watch out, Karen. You’ve got competition.