How to save your marriage - before you get married

So you've made the grand proposal, gotten engaged and are all set to walk down the path to holy - and hopefully, happy - matrimony.
Often, couples enter the lifelong partnership of marriage without even discussing the things that matter the most - to themselves and to each other. When two people enter a permanent alliance of any sort, it's only common sense that they thrash out what they'll be taking care of or handling together, which is pretty much everything if they're signing up for this.
We're not saying you need to draw out a pre-nup, but sitting down and discussing the most crucial iss-ues and impending decisions of your life could signal the difference between a great marriage and a disastrous one. So hear it from the experts: marriage counsellors and psychologists who've worked with scores of couples, and have the lowdown on what you need to have the big talk on before walking down the aisle.
Dr. Kennon Rider, licensed marriage and family counsellor, German Neuroscience Center in Dubai, and Dr. Saliha Afridi, clinical psychologist and managing director of The LightHouse Arabia mental health clinic, take you through the big pre-wedding discussion.
Children, Finances & Expectations
Expectations can be a big danger when getting married. Everyone's list of expectations could be a long one, but at the very least, couples should discuss children (e.g., whether to have them, and how many). Dr. Rider elaborates, "If they agree on having children, they should also discuss who would be primarily responsible for them. Traditionally, this has been the mother, but nowadays, women are often juggling motherhood and work, and therefore there is a need for discussion about how engaged the father will be in childcare and child rearing." When it comes to finances, there is no right and wrong way to handle it, but agreement is essential.
These are probably the most important issues to discuss and see eye to eye on, but by no means the only ones. Other topics that deserve extended conversations are your interests (do you enjoy doing some of the same things?), extended family involvement (disagreement here can cause huge problems later), timings for eating and sleeping (differences in personal preferences can cause a lot angst).
Dr. Afridi says, "Parenting, finances, and sex are the three topics we see giving rise to marital conflict the most." But according to her, there is also no one particular thing that research shows as being the most important "issue to discuss." The most important element in a relationship, which will dictate whether a relationship will stand the test of time, is whether or not the couple has a deep friendship and mutual res-pect. "Couples need to ask themselves, am I able to trust my partner? Do I feel safe with him/her? Do I feel supported and encouraged? Can I rely on him/her? Stressors will come and go and each marriage will have its own set of issues, but if you have mutual res-pect, trust, and friendship - then you will be able to withstand the trials and tribulations."
The topic of where to live or settle is another excellent pre-marriage conversation to have. "In recent months, I've seen two couples in Dubai whose biggest issue is whether to stay here or leave. In both cases, they thought they agreed with each other, but it turns out that the early conversations were too brief and too many assumptions were made without clarification," reveals Dr. Rider.
Including the in-laws
In an ideal world, parental involvement would be discussed in advance with all parties. In the real world, this seldom happens. Just like partners have expectations for marriage, so do parents. Dr. Rider encourages partners to discuss their own ideas about boundaries with each other, and once they have reached an agreement on how much or how little to allow parents in, they can then have a conversation with parents. "Unfortunately, this is one of the most difficult conversations to have for the couple and for the families. It is full of potential for hurt feelings, misunderstandings and outright conflict," he points out.
Depending on your culture, in-laws and their role in your life will be different. "A couple must be united in the face of family and friends: this is important," notes Dr. Afridi. "A woman or man in the relationship needs to feel that you prioritise him/her before the parents - and that does not mean that you will disrespect your parents or not take their advice, but doing what is good for the two of you. You will also protect your partner from judgmental or critical in-laws by speaking to your own family and drawing boundaries on behalf of your partner."
What makes a marriage last, finally?
According to Dr. Afridi, it's simple. The issues discussed here do result in a lot of difficult discussions and conflicts in marriages. "However, these are not 'deal breakers' by any means. Research shows that 69 per cent of all marital issues are unresolvable. That means that 69 per cent of the problems in a marriage don't actually have a solution - and are perpetual! This means the only way to have these discussions is with a mindset of compromise, cooperation and forgiveness," she points out. "Decades of research has show that marriages anchored in respect, friendship and trust are the ones that are going to last." (Note: love doesn't even make it to the top three in the long-term). "I do believe that more attention should be paid to the time before marriage, working out issues, and not leave things to the 'magic of marriage'. Magic doesn't seem to work very well," laughs Dr. Rider.
Don't wait until it's too late.
The issues noted in this article are all ones that potentially cause conflict. The other one that doesn't get enough attention pre-marriage, is the topic of how to resolve conflicts, according to both doctors. In many cases, couples go to the therapist one, five, ten or more years after the wedding, saying they have always fought, and they fight over the same things that they did before marriage. Somehow, they each imagined that marriage would magically solve these problems. Ditto for your personal issues or insecurities: having a partner won't make them disappear overnight. Nor does marriage change people.
In contrast, remember that marriage fixes nothing. In fact, it exacerbates most problems because of the unrelenting proximity to each other. Now that you are constantly together, the issues become more intense, AND you have to construct a new life together, which is unfamiliar territory for both. So, two things here: first, couples need to be realistic - if they cannot resolve big issues before marriage, they may need to rethink whether they want to get married or not. Second, they may need a bit of help from a qualified therapist to resolve issues and learn skills on resolving them on their own. Do this early, before all the wedding plans are finalized.
marypaulose@khaleejtimes.com