Honey, can we keep this relationship private?

Modern couples - and experts - tell us where to draw the line on sharing and oversharing information online.

We all know that one couple who is blissfully in love. online. Their posts are filled with love letters to one another, and mention every little details of their lives together. It might start out looking rather sweet. but then, to the stark consternation, of their (online) friends and family, the posts don't let up. It's a bit of a barrage, and viewers quietly find themselves wondering why they're privy to these private moments. Finally, in the event that the relationship goes south, it all unfolds into awkward silences, 'unfriending' of acquaintances and deletion of pictures.
Social media has made it possible for people to express themselves like never before. And while it's natural to want to put up posts supporting your better half or sharing happy times or memories together, there is a fine line between sharing. and oversharing.
Sharing is caring, right?
So, why do some couples hide relationships as though they are tightly guarded secrets while others feel the need to 'shout out' details online? According to Dr Saliha Afridi, clinical psychologist and managing director of The LightHouse Center for Wellbeing, it all boils down to two things - a person's self-esteem and personality (whether one is an introvert or extrovert). While it's easy to assume that a couple that look happy online has a more stable relationship, this may not always be the case, she says.

"Research shows that people whose self-esteem and confidence are strongly linked to their relationship status are more likely to post about it. They want the world to know about their 'accomplishment' which reinforces their self-esteem and happiness," she says. "In fact, some researchers even say that putting relationship information online is seeking validation, in a way, from their social network. Whereas other research states that people who post online are generally satisfied with their relationships."
The issue with influencers
While there are many theories on why couples may post information online, the rules are different when it comes to blogger or influencer couples - basically, those who profit in some way from showcasing a united front to their followers and fans.

"We are experiencing an era of change and disruption in almost every field of our lives. Technology has become the catalyst in making inroads in the way we act and feel," says Yiannis Vafeas, Managing Director of GolinMENA, who has done a study on digital narcissism and subjective wellbeing recently and specialises in change and transition. According to him, there are a number of reasons why influencer couples share details of their private lives, and commercial gain is one of them. "It is human nature for people to be interested in the lives of others, and it's the basis of social media as well," he explains. "The more gossipy and private the posts, the more engaging and shareable the content becomes." Which means that 'influencer' couples may have realised the trick to increasing followers sharing more posts about their personal lives.

However, influencer or not, there may be another reason people are increasingly sharing information that would otherwise have remained private. "There is a rush of positive emotions that comes when an individual gets these 'likes' and that pushes them to repeat the experience again and again. It's not just a need to increase followers that makes couples expose their private lives - there's scientific proof that it is addictive," says Yiannis.
MEET THE EXPERTS: (Left to right) Yiannis Vafeas, Managing Director of GolinMENA; Saliha Afridi, clinical psychologist and managing director of The LightHouse Center for Wellbeing
Watch out, viewers
One thing you may have noticed, if you know a couple that 'overshares', is that their posts are always positive. Just like everything else with social media, people tend to emphasise their best side. while simultaneously brushing away any flaws or bumps. And that may, in turn, lead to ungrateful or even resentful feelings amongst viewers who believe their relationship doesn't 'measure' up', says Dr Saliha.

"As social media consumers, I think it's also important for us to keep things in perspective and remember that a snapshot of someone's life does not represent the whole of it. When we see airbrushed, 'Photoshopped' versions of a person's relationship, that does not mean that the relationship itself is like that. No one documents the arguments or difficult moments."

This may also set unrealistic expectations for followers or fans of a famous blogging couple. Do these influencers, who have gained followers through their aspirational posts, then have a responsibility to show us the whole picture of their relationship - warts and all? "Beauty in all forms certainly sells very well in our region. Which is why it makes sense for influencer couples to portray only one side of their private life," says Yiannis. "That being said, I think things are changing. Just as we're seeing a lot of celebrities showcase themselves as they are - sans makeup for example - I think a less-than-ideal relationship can actually be appreciated by followers! The future will show whether this applies to couples in the region."
Setting boundaries
UAE-based Francisco Cañete and Aneesha Rai, who are all set to get married next year, consider themselves fairly active on social media. After all, Aneesha is the food blogger behind www.omnomnirvana.com and, together, they're also working on a comic strip based on their relationship.

"While I'm not very active on social media, and I rarely post personal stuff, I regularly appear in Aneesha's Insta Stories and we have fun doing it together," says Francisco.

So how does the young couple decide where they draw lines on what's to be posted online? According to Francisco, it all comes down to communication. "Just keep it casual, have fun doing it. If you plan to post something that might be sensitive, always check with your partner. If your partner is very interested in social media, and you just aren't, be patient and supportive, but tell them to tone it down when they're going too far," he says. "It's okay to share moments and anecdotes but there's no need to tell your whole life to other people. Keep it on the surface."
Of course, the equation does change if the couple - or even one person within the relationship - has a job that puts him/her in a spotlight. Suddenly, being visible online is part of the job description. Content manager at a creative agency Aishwarya Tyagi and her husband radio presenter Tarun say that consulting each other and checking on future posts are part and parcel of being a couple that works in the media.
 
"Tarun is a radio presenter for a regional Bollywood radio station so his grid is viewed by listeners and other followers," explains Aishwarya. "I am a lifestyle journalist and a freelance writer, so I create my Insta-grid keeping in mind that this will be viewed by current and potential industry connections. We like to have a 60/40 mix of social life, professional accomplishments and personal stories up on social media. We try to stay sensitive to our friends and family and not overshare our personal, and day-to-day conduct that is exclusive to us. We believe that for people who don't know us, this is the window into our lives, and we curate the story we want to portray."
Besides being careful about oversharing, Aiswarya also cautions couples to think about 'whether they are being respectful of each other's space and privacy'. In doing so, can social media bring two people closer?

"I personally think that only an insecure relationship needs the validation and 'likes' of someone else," says Aishwarya. "Meanwhile Tarun thinks that social indulgence helps a couple gain confidence in their relationship and makes them work towards doing more exciting things. It's okay to have opposing views. There is no cookie-cutter formula for this because our lives are so different from each other. I think just like everything else in a relationship, couples need to communicate and draw boundaries where necessary."
janice@khaleejtimes.com