Kids Leaving Home is a Mixed Bag of Emotions

Dubai - It's That time of year again: As fall turns the corner, children leave home - Whether it's for university or work, a small migration of human beings takes place. What they leave behind is an empty nest. How do parents cope? We speak with a few...

Considering this is a normal progression that every parent wants, it shouldn't be stressful when your child moves away from home. Typically, the focus is on the enormous workload for various high school exams and college applications, that most people don't have time to process the fact that the fledglings will soon leave the nest. That's where the description comes from, and instinctively, I've always detested the term - an empty nest implying loneliness and loss - but there's no denying it's a wrench.
The question to consider also is, which one is more stricken of the two, the parent or the child? After all, the child doesn't have the automatic safety net of a warm home to come back to, laundry, and odds-and-ends attended to, most frequently a driver (Mom!) to drop them for practice, exams, voluntary work.
Susan Ahart puts it succinctly, "It would seem the separation is harder for the parents as they are the ones 'left behind' and not the ones out writing the next chapter of their lives in a new place, making new friends, trying new things and being responsible for themselves. They are testing limits, learning to set priorities and budget their time. Heady stuff."
So I'm inclined to think it's the parent who is a bit more, shall we say, bereft. But let's not get ahead of ourselves. It can't all be doom and gloom. Rinkoo Bhowmik's older son is in college, the younger one finishes school next year. Says she with a big grin, "What empty nest syndrome? I can't wait for the younger one to leave - then I'll be free." That's refreshing, and positive.
Anamika Gupta who has three kids, says, "In all honesty, when the first one left, it was very depressing." In small, everyday things she was reminded he wasn't in town any longer - such as when cooking his favourites. She walked to his room absentmindedly a few times and stopped with a jolt when she remembered that he was a few thousand miles away. She coped she says, by finding a smart solution to this one: "I moved the youngest one into his room!" As we speak, she's just finished writing a note to the youngest that she'll hand over to him when they part in college in the US.
The empty nest syndrome is associated more with women. But Anamika has an interesting angle to share. When their son left home, her husband Narendra took it in his stride, but with the second one going up to attend college, "It was a bit of a shock." He felt he hadn't spent adequate time with their son! Consequently, for the workaholic, career took a back seat, while he focused on spending quality time with their youngest.
Separation angst
Sheba and George Parackal found some years after moving to the UAE that their kids opted to go back to their home country to finish school. Says Sheba, "When my husband and I were finally alone after our son left, it was difficult. The house was quiet and we longed for some noise and chatter." Who found it harder to handle? I'm curious.
"George of course!" says Sheba instantly. She wasn't surprised as she had expected that he would struggle without having the kids around. "More so, because they were living away from family in different cities and so he worried about them constantly." Sheba always wanted the kids to be independent and so she was mentally more prepared.
"The fabric and measured beat of the family's lives are forever altered," Susan Ahart says. "The younger children are now the 'oldest,' thrust into a not entirely welcome spotlight. Seating for family meals seems off kilter with the empty chair. School runs are awkward - who sits where in the car?"
And when the prodigal child returns and tries to insinuate himself back into the family? No one is sure of the hierarchy. He who has been the only one making decisions for himself is once again considered a child with a curfew and lots of parental questions about intended destinations etc.
American Susan Dibden explains the feeling poignantly when she says of the parting of ways: "It's a grieving of sorts." That keen sense of loss came through sharply again when her daughter wanted to collect all the things that she needed from her childhood home, because she was setting up home herself. "There was a hole in my day with the departure of each child." They filled it with more outside activity - golf! Her advice is to keep in touch as much as possible so you are able to talk through issues as they develop.
You don't have to be a helicopter parent to wonder if you taught them well enough to manage on their own. For many, it's the silence in the house that is the hardest to take. The stories of many of the parents we talk to echo each other. 'You don't yell out for the music to be turned down.' 'You don't give them last warnings to wake up.' 'You don't cook their favourite foods any longer.'
Spreading Wings
Anamika's older two were so excited about leaving home, but the youngest one feels mum's pain, and is "trying to contain his excitement". When he confessed that he was actually excited to spread his wings, Anamika laughed and told him to go ahead and be as chipper as he liked. But she confesses she has gone up often to take a peek at him while he's sleeping.
The school that had been such an integral part of the family's life, is not central any longer. Now, " It'll just be his friends' moms - we'll hold each others' hands."
After the kids moved, the Parackals started focusing on themselves. Hobbies, a focus on health and well-being became the new normal. Says Sheba, "It also gave us more 'We' time. However, my culinary skills started declining as goodies being baked also substantially reduced, since we were both not at the age where we could afford guilt-free indulgence!" But they made it a point to travel every year with the children so they could spend quality time together.
Some parents find they have to establish a new equilibrium. They have to learn to renegotiate their relationship. Psychologists say that if you find your eating patterns have changed, or you continue to be depressed six months after the kids leave home, it's time to seek professional help.
Susan Ahart offers perpective: "Seeing our children becoming responsible, caring, thoughtful adults was a real pleasure. And we can't wait for our grandchildren to leave home for university, employment or military service. We hope to sit back and chuckle to ourselves as the shoe is on the other foot!"