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Parenting is not complicated if you go with the flow

The conversations often centre around how raising children has become more challenging than what it was previously.

Parenting is among the commonest topics of discussion among adults these days, especially parents who choose to evade politics and prefer sticking to matters closer home in their conversations. A rising number of teen suicides, incidents of depression, rebellion and running away have made children the focus of many private dialogues.
The conversations often centre around how raising children has become more challenging than what it was previously. While the blame is squarely placed on the rapid growth of technology that has exposed our children to things that dangerously influence their thought and behaviour, there is very little reflection on the parents' own incapacity to tackle situations of children and teenage crises.
As informed adults with several decades behind us, we tend to believe that we are consummate in our roles as parents, that we have all the intellectual resources to steer our wards to the right places in their lives. No one needs to tell us anything, we know what's best for our children.
While there is no dispute that every parent has the best intent and plans for his or her children, the pace of life in the new world has made us lose sight of what makes the best parenting techniques. The factors that decide our happiness levels are getting more and more indefinite, with attention on material fulfilment gaining primacy over everything else.
A young, ambitious working mother recently conceded that it was getting increasingly difficult for her to know what the main focus of her advice to her children should be. As a professional, she believed that 'excellence' was non-negotiable, and therefore work life pressures will always be. And it is important for her that her kids know this. Taking it easy at work could make her an average worker, a mediocre of sorts, which is something she didn't want for herself or her children. She wants to lead by example. However, the angst that afflict such high achieving people was also a matter of concern to her. She confessed that she was conscious and worried about the heavy trade-offs such an existence entailed.
It made me wonder if she was imposing her own perceptions of life on her children and if she looked at their lives through the prism of her own, blurring her judgement on how she must guide her children to a good life. Dilemmas remain: To be top-notch in life despite the pay-offs or to be sagacious in material pursuit? To toughen up the kids to accomplish against all odds or mellow them to find harmony at heart?
A perfect balance, as easy as it is to preach, is the hardest thing to attain, and that's probably why a majority of parents are in a quandary today.
We, as parents and guardians, have to first ascertain our own ideals by knowing what is important to us. It boils down to discerning what happiness means to us regardless of how the world defines it and what we are prepared to forfeit in its pursuit. There are no manuals that will conclusively tell us that. We have to shut out the noise, listen to our inner voice, and follow its course. It is a spiritual exercise that requires us to be honest to ourselves and see the truth for what it is. It means to have the courage to dismiss the fallacies of the mind and our false beliefs.
A majority of our concerns for our children are imagined, brought about by a general misunderstanding of life itself. Only when we seek out that which will give us lasting peace can we lead our children on that path. It doesn't help us to be in denial of our own inconsistencies. We may have picked up several skills that can make our life pleasurable, but a lot more needs to be learned to make it peaceful.
Knowing what causes us our deepest distresses and finding ways out of it is the first step towards writing our book of life for our children. Parents who aren't anchored in the troubled waters cannot help their children find their moorings. For this, 'finding inner harmony' must top our list of priorities and pursuing it must become our primary effort.
Asha Iyer Kumar is an author & creative writing coach based in Dubai