Don’t accost me with a ‘Hello, Uncle!’

The more I wanted to bend, the higher the tummy bounced back — the toughest part of my morning constitutional.

By Suresh Pattali

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Published: Fri 26 Feb 2021, 10:46 PM

Dad, I don’t want to grow anymore,” Vava echoed what I said to myself a few decades ago. Like father, like daughter, I thought to myself, struggling to tie the laces of a new pair of Asics. The more I wanted to bend, the higher the tummy bounced back — the toughest part of my morning constitutional.

“Dad, cut the flab and you are back to sweet seventeen,” Vava mocked, pirouetting in front of the mirror. “Half the battle to win back your youth is to shape up. The rest is all in the mind.”


She paused for a moment, looked at her own reflection in the mirror to dig out the immediate thought about herself. “As a child, I was in a hurry to grow. In my teen days, like any other girl, I wanted to fall in love and get hitched. Done and dusted, I want to freeze time. Don’t want to grow anymore, I feel so happy and content in the moment I am living in now.”

Silly thoughts, one might say, but every human endures a spasmodic bout of depression triggered by the fear of ageing. We fear getting sick. We fear losing love, beauty and respect. We fear losing jobs. We fear losing the power we command. We fear losing all the fun and frolic our salad days offer.


But as the theory of biostasis — that could slow down the body or the speed at which life operates — is untenable as things stand, embracing the process of getting older by successfully straddling past and present is the anti-ageing formula I have been following, and will follow until the final curtain call.

Like how we upgrade the OS of our computers from one version to the latest, I update myself and stay relevant in this youth-focused world. I’m even game for the beta versions of all the fun in life — until the day the Great Provider would notify that I’m no more upgradable. Until that time, I’m Suresh 2.0 with no booting trouble.

Yes, I’m a husband for more than three decades. I am father to two grown-up children. I’m a father-in-law to two great souls. I have a crown that looks like a wheat field devastated by swarms of locust. I have a visage dirtied by time; movements slowed by age. I have a frozen shoulder that restricts my indulgence in my usual teddy bear hugs.

But I am not lost, I’m on my way to the zenith of happiness. I’m armed with a heart full of romance whose promenades have been cleaned by doctors of all the cinders and ashes from human vices and festooned with balloons. Can’t you hear the beating of drums in the corridors in celebration of life? I’m the DJ. Come in, the doors are open. Let the party begin.

I update my gadgets in a frequency that rivals the youth who switch their commitments. I’m omnipresent on social media — online and available for 20 hours a day. I get a tsunami of friend requests from IG to FB where some 200 applicants are pending approval. I hang out at chat sites and indulge in some intellectual chinwag. I browse all sites that gratify me until Spotify serenades me to sleep past 2am — on the couch, on the floor, in the papasan — with mags, books and, of course, chips and bottles scattered around.

In this acquired adolescence, I stand out from the madding crowd as one of the fastest first responders in all groups. Faster than a swift. I don’t accumulate mails. I don’t leave messages to rot. I am as fresh as a daisy after 4-5 hours of sleep and up on my feet for two hours when the sun is still shy. I catch up with boys and girls who love to talk which keeps me as lucid as they are.

As a matter of principle, I don’t play games, not even in life. I don’t disco. I don’t smoke. But if you ever spot me in a cosy corner of a restobar, dating a girl half my age, don’t accost me with a “Hello, uncle!” I will never forgive you.

suresh@khaleejtimes.com


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