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A thief came to our home and repented of his decision

Upstairs, my wife would wake me up and say, I heard a sound, I think there is an intruder, do something.

Three friends of ours have suffered robberies in their homes recently and lost money and jewellery in heaps and I am truly sorry for them. But it did get me thinking what if some thief fetched up at our place, how would it go down?
First, Daisy, our spaniel, would wag him in without so much as a muted bark and point him beseechingly to the fridge because she is on 24-hour snack time. Come on, dude, open it, let's get started.
Upstairs, my wife would wake me up and say, I heard a sound, I think there is an intruder, do something.
What, I am 70 years old, not the equaliser, you want heroics you should have married Denzel. Go to sleep, he'll get frustrated and go away, any case what's he going to find?
Go and stop him, you are the man of the house.
So, I will carry a tennis racquet, go down, switch on the light. He will be standing there and I will say something brilliant like, what are you doing in my house?
What do you think I am doing, the tango or the full monty, I am robbing it, where is your money?
What money, we don't have any money, never did, make it, spend it, in fact, I have no idea how I will pay Dewa this month, keep telling them to switch off the lights, save electricity but no one listens.
Stop gibbering, where is the safe, give me the combination, now.
What safe, we don't have a safe, there is nothing to put in it?
What about your wife's jewellery, where do you keep it?
At which point my wife will walk in, sniff disdainfully and say, what jewellery, he hasn't bought me anything in ten years, not a bangle.
Thief looks at me, what sort of a husband are you, not a bangle, shame on you, not even on Diwali?
No, she says, several times I have said, one itty-bitty bangle, but no, Mr High and Mighty here won't, I work all day, every wife deserves a little something, some token of gratitude, right.
Right, says the thief, I would never do that to my wife.
Heyy, you are a great one to talk, you are a thief and what the heck are we doing standing here talking to you about our situation.
Mrs Barua's husband bought her a diamond necklace, I asked you in 1998 to buy me a solitaire, it has been 21 years, 21 years, in any case who are you, what are you doing in our house. 
The thief looks cheesed off. Like what do you think I am doing, why do you people ask such dumb questions, what is there of value, my whole night is going to hell in a basket.
Take the Hussains, I say, pointing to the paintings on the wall, there are two of them and we have a Gulgee here.
Hmmm, he says, not bad, now we are talking.
They are fakes, says my wife, reprints, bought them for Dh50 each at a sale, he is fibbing you, just think of it, how many wives must have got diamonds in these 21 years, I am still waiting.
Fakes, says the thief, you are dumping fakes on me, you think I am a fool, now for the last time, where is the gold.
There is no gold, I say, none, no money, no jewellery, no heirlooms, aaah there is a first edition pen but the ink has run dry.
Give me your mobile phone.
It has a crack in it, you see, I was walking down the stairs and I tripped.
You did not trip, my wife says, it slipped out of your pocket when you rose from your chair.
I did trip.
 You did not.
I did, why are you always contradicting me.
Because you are bluffing.
Stop, says the thief, please stop, stop, stop.
You stop, we both shout; don't you dare interfere when we are arguing.
The thief breaks down into tears, lies sobbing on the floor.
My wife says, it will be another 21 years before I see that diamond, did you see the gold necklace Shubhi just got, and you, stop mewling, at least your wife gets her bangles.
And the thief will say, I have reformed, I will never steal again.
-bikram@khaleejtimes.com