'My trousers don't fit' and other post #StayHome problems

We're heading back outside... uh oh, time to return to the real world

After being at home for so long it's difficult not to imagine emerging from the great indoors in a sci-fi context. In fact, don't you think this whole historic episode could have been lifted from a Michael Crichton novel? As the UAE relaxes much of the precautionary measures aimed at combating COVID-19, and we're thinking about venturing further afield than the edge of the living room rug, those movie scenes of astronauts waking up from induced interstellar travel slumber - bearded, fragile and blinking at the lights - are a constant reference.
An average of two and a half months of #StayHome doesn't sound that long, but in actuality that's 10 weeks. 70 days. 1680 hours. Just over 100 000 minutes of flapping around a domicile that during normal times you may have found yourself spending the weekend at best. And much like the space film traveller who always misses a final stasis deadline and has to endure the lightyears-long journey in real time while their compadres sit it out in artificial sleep - during our isolation there are certain bananas practices to which we have become accustomed. So, before going where no-one has boldly gone since March, we have to run a mental check to make sure returning to society doesn't cause a faux pas even Star Fleet couldn't solve.
Humans are 3D?!
'Join with video' click, 'join audio', click (because automatically entering a chat with both functions enabled when you run a pants-optional household is dangerous) and voila you are able to talk face-to-face with anyone in the universe utilising nothing more than a WiFi connection. Swapping instant online screen meetings for setting a date and physical location somehow seems like a backwards step, but it is going to happen. When the inevitable first people-in-a-room conference is called there are a few simple rules to remember: only dressing your top half will no longer be acceptable - go get your trousers dry-cleaned before the rush- and there is not, no matter how much you wish for it, a 'mute' button in real life, so no subconscious tapping if you are bored.
Wait, there are calories in all those treats we've been snaffling?
It may turn out to be a merciful release, but we are going to miss having a fridge at arm's length during work hours. Unfortunately, as the age-old saying goes, "all fried snacks and no exercise makes a #StayHome worker the size of a mid-level Sumo". We haven't tested out the jeans just yet, though we're thinking the accompanying belt is going to remain furloughed for the foreseeable future. However, we can't stress this enough - don't worry. We've all been in the same boat. Forage for the holiday trousers at the back of the wardrobe and embrace the new you for a while. Plus, gyms are now open and could use more visitors. How fortuitous.
Hair we go
Much like the waistline, there's a good chance the 'do' has become as unruly as a Mark Wahlberg talk show appearance. Again, don't panic. Most of us are sporting a haircut that would give circa mid-'80s A Flock Of Seagulls a run for their money. No matter how lenient the 'no hats inside' rule has been relaxed over the last few weeks it shall once again be enforced, which means a hairdresser appointment is now an essential excursion. Treat it as, well... a treat. Perhaps many of us will arise from this situation improved people and a change of style can mark the beginning of a new chapter. Be bold, be daring! A trim is out of the question. Let's own the rest of 2020 with a look that will define the decade - "my good sir, bring me the range of red dye you carry."
'If food be the sound of love, order well'
Gobbling down tidbits, toast and frozen burgers hunched over a tray have seen us through to the extent it renders a restaurant visit as exotic as a trip to Mars. Do the UAE's eateries even serve dry cornflakes? It doesn't matter - promise us you are going to get out there and chow down on your favourite meal the minute you decide to take the leap. You deserve it. Just don't forget your recently acquired taste for cod in double cream probably won't be suitable for the outside world and you're golden. Happy Living Your Best Life 2.0, everyone.   
david@khaleejtimes.com

• Dubai