HAPPY NEW YEAR ladies and gentlemen, migraine and bleariness aside I hope you had a good night and this year got off to a good start. Continuing the theme of looking ahead, customary on this day of new beginnings, as you scribble your resolutions and eye that fresh calendar with a mixture of excitement and trepidation what do you expect the coming twelve months will hold? We all want a crystal ball to see where we’ll be this time next year and no group more so than those delightful little people we all like to read so much about; celebrities. Would Macca have married Mucca if he knew where it was going to land him in 2008? Would Mike Myers have released ‘The Love Guru’ if someone had told him it would destroy his reputation as one of the world’s leading comedy actors? Would anyone associated with ‘10,000 BC’ not have burnt the film’s script and beheaded the writer if they had somehow seen the resulting movie before it began shooting?
In order for all of us to be a little better prepared for 2009 City Times dusted off the old star charts, filled the room with incense and looked into the coming months to see the five most and least likely things to happen to our beloved tabloid fodder.
Most Ostentatious Celebrity Wedding of 2009
Lewis Hamilton and Nicole Scherzinger
Winning the Formula One Championship has bought Lewis at least another year with the foxiest pussycat in town. If he has any sense he will get on with proceedings and take her down the aisle sharpish before she realises she’s 7 years older and 3ft taller than the extremely talented but incredibly dull wood elf.
Most Likely to champion the cause of Pre-Nups in UK legislation
Having got her hands on an alleged £25 million of Sir Paul’s dosh, Heather “mo money, mo money, mo money” Mills has a ticket to ride anywhere she wants. Just think, all this could have been avoided with a simple signature or McCartney listening to everyone in the entire world ever when we collective yelled, “don’t do it!”
Least likely to get employer of the year
Frequently seen hanging around the docks, perpetual defendant Miss Campbell must have been absent when her firm put on the staff-boss relations seminar. Ruling with the iron fist goodness knows what she puts in the classifieds when looking for a new assistant, ‘must be thick skinned,’ perhaps?
Least likely to publish his/her memoirs
Interesting though it would be (if only to see if Georgie knows what a memoir is) I’m not sure he quite knew what he was doing when he was in the White House let alone recounting the tales. ‘2003, that was a great year, caught a Marlin this big....’
Most likely to fade into oblivion
Sarah Palin (fingers crossed)
Whether shooting a moose or clubbing a seal Palin is never more at home than when roaming the Alaskan wilderness with an AK47 or a plank with a nail through it. For all our sakes let’s hope she remains there for the foreseeable future and puts all these ideas of running the world out of her head.
Most likely to get away with cradle robbing for another year
Trumpy’s current squeeze is rapidly approaching the big four zero and we all know that’s far too old for any self respecting megalomaniac to be seen with. Expect to see The Donald travelling to all the beauty spots this year casting his net far and wide for a suitable replacement the likes of which will make his children feel past it.
Most likely to take over the world
As they continue recruiting and producing foot soldiers for their vast private army, could anyone stop Brad and Angie if they feel just adopting people and giving their name to everyone on the planet isn’t enough to satisfy their hunger for world domination?!
Least likely to be seen pushing a trolley around Primark
Even with the credit crunch in full swing it would be a sad, sad day when the most vacuous, image conscious
celebrity around is seen trawling through the bargain bins in a discount store. For the sake of humanity this can’t happen so please remember to give generously.
Least likely to be seen in their car after dark
He must have learnt by now. Surely 2009 will be a traffic offence free year for the former Wham front man. However if the only hits you can achieve in recent years are a Mercedes, two Renaults and a small squirrel I suppose you would take what you can.
Least likely to do anything wrong in 2009
In the spirit of everyone putting far too much pressure on the poor man we declare that in no way will Barack Obama do anything wrong ever.
The group landed in Abu Dhabi includes 77 children accompanied by 43 members of their families
The seven-time champion dominated Iran’s Hussein Vafaei who is almost half his age
Burnley, with the quickest goal of the season and a huge win, come off the bottom of the table