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Ask the therapist: How do you deal with heartbreak?

By Dr Annette Schonder

Published: Fri 22 Jan 2021, 12:02 AM

I broke up with my fiance recently after realising that we had compatibility issues. I do feel emotionally attached to him, but he tends to be overpowering in some aspects of my life. My family would rather have me believe these are ‘adjustment issues’ (I’ve known him for 10 years and it’s a relationship we voluntarily got into). But I can’t seem to decide if I’m right or wrong. Please help. — Name Withheld

Dear Writer, I can see that you are facing a difficult decision on whether or not to get married. You have feelings for a man you have known for 10 years. At the same time you have identified compatibility issues that make you feel overpowered in some areas of your life.

Marriage is a serious commitment and it is important to feel a strong emotional connection as well as general compatibility.

The only thing you mention is your perception of him being “overpowering.” From my professional perspective it is important to address this issue prior to marriage. A good marriage is a partnership that works best when both partners feel equal and their feelings are respected and shared.

I suggest you and your ex-fiancé talk about this issue and identify specific behaviors and attitudes that you find overpowering. Try to understand each other’s viewpoints to see if the two of you can learn to become more understanding and compatible.

Please also consider a few sessions of pre-marital counseling to gain insight on the dynamics between you and your ex-fiancé to help improve your communication.

Once you have taken these steps, you will have more clarity about how you want to go forward. One last thing: Good relationships have four components, which are Respect, Honesty, Equality, and Good Communication.

Dr Annette Schonder is an integrated psychotherapist with https://chmc-dubai.com/

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