Going the distance

Are you man enough to leave your job and home and relocate for the woman you love?

Last to last week, there was a first-person piece trending online: a man relocating from Delhi - leaving his home and dog (though he could have carted doggie along, don't know why he didn't) - to Mumbai. Without the security of an assured job. To be with his girlfriend (now wife). It was a leap of faith, almost Lord Jim-esque in stature, because he was bucking the trend; usually, you see, it works the other way around. It's the woman who follows the man to be with him at his place for work (unless said man is looking for a Green Card or an automatic visa to gain entry into a more lucrative territory).
In this 'trending' case, however, the man had no compunctions admitting that, maybe, the woman's career was more important than his, so he just manned up and smoked that into his peace pipe. Or, maybe, he could have realised the woman's career was as important as his; so why not be chivalrous and make the first move?
As the write-up gained more and more traction, the inevitable question emerged: how many men would consider it par for the course to follow a woman to the city of her work?
I know - and have heard of - innumerable women who've had to pack up and move to a new city/country because they were getting married, so they had to, invariably, "follow the man". As a sub-culture, it belongs in the same category of insidious sexism/patriarchy that has been instituted as protocol: it's the woman who has to "adopt" the man's family as her own; or, it's the woman who takes on the man's surname (and even if she retains her maiden surname, the children always get tagged with the man's name).
A man going the distance was, hmm, refreshing. I decided to do some market research. But, first, what were my own views? I thought long and hard, and had my horrible (read: anti-gender equal) epiphany. I would have no regrets - absolutely none - following a man around as long as he was taking me to a place I was comfortable living in (and I had access to Netflix there). I'd probably be quite relieved to be absolved of all sense of accountability in case the new move doesn't work out; I could always blame him. Okay, I'm not as Stone Age-d as I've managed to make myself sound - and I largely blame my upbringing for this antiquated point of view (PoV) I seem to have acquired: I come from a family where, most times, men have shown the way when it came to city-to-city musical chairs - so let me pare it down. I'd be okay with a man moving to my city of work, leaving his own (I'd also like his dog, if he has one, to ride along), if he was absolutely sure of what he was doing, and (more importantly) he wasn't downgrading his professional profile.
"So you don't mind downgrading your professional profile - by following him?" a female friend of mine snorted, while drinking cappuccino at Paul's.
"Not really, I'm not very ambitious,"
I said, fiddling with the brown sugar sachets. "You?"
"I'm very ambitious, boss, and no man can take the place of my career - so he better follow me if he wants to be with me." Atta girl, I thought, without electricity charging through my insides (as it should have).
Over to another female PoV: "Yeah, I guess I'm fine with being a follower as long as he doesn't get his parents along on the trail. In fact, if following the husband is the only way I can get out of the in-laws' fold, I'm all for it."
"They're that dreadful, is it?"
"Don't get me started!" Amen.
Next up was a man friend. "Yes, I would, in theory. I think men are better off being followers."
Why in theory?
"My dad may have a problem with it. He'll say I'm not man enough, and I don't have it in me to be a real husband."
"And you're okay with your father laying down the rules of which path you should chart [and which you shouldn't]?"
Radio silence.
"I'm willing to meet her halfway," another male friend chipped in. "But not go the whole distance. Because if you do, you send out a wrong message: you're malleable.  See, I don't want to end up hen-pecked."
I don't think I like any of the sum-and-substance of the analyses I had to contend with - including my own. I feel a bit sad because I now know The Pledge - "I'll follow you to the ends of the earth" - is just a line.
sushmita@khaleejtimes.com