Single friends: Labour of Love

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Single friends: Labour of Love
You see these 'single' guys aren't looking for love, because they know love can't be looked for.

I would say there are three dimensions to intimate relationships and our actions, feelings, behaviours throughout will heavily influence whether we experience joy or pain.

By Dr. Samineh I. Shaheem

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Published: Fri 31 Jul 2015, 12:00 AM

Last updated: Sat 1 Aug 2015, 1:24 PM

Single friends are fabulous. Although I'd rather refer to them as people on relationship sabbaticals because no one is ever really 'single'. These lovable links are light, fun, spontaneous and up for all kinds of adventures, especially the ones who understand the true law of attraction and action.
You see these guys aren't looking for love, because they know love can't be looked for. They're natural lovers of life, radiating a light made up of confidence, passion and generosity which eventually shines so bright, like the signal of a light house towards a lost sailor who finds his way home to his soul mate after years at sea.
The fun and free go on holiday as a way to culturally explore a new frontier, to discover the plethora of sights, sounds and scents, not because they think there's no one left for them at home, desperately hoping to meet their future partner in another time and place. They join you at gatherings and parties to mix, mingle, learn, laugh and socialise, not for destiny to introduce them to the future mother/father of their children. Of course if they do meet 'the one' (if there is such a person) then it's a serendipitous bonus, not an expectation that is likely to end up in disappointment if every time you step outside convinced that your twin flame is going to miraculously appear. Not to mention that with this dysfunctional mind frame, you're likely to end up even more disenchanted after the string of wrong people you force fate with just because they show a little attention or are the only other single person present.
After a few decades on this planet interacting with my fellow species as well as studying the complex nuances of human behaviour, I would say there are three dimensions to intimate relationships and our actions, feelings, behaviours throughout will heavily influence whether we experience joy or pain.
1st Stage - A Positive Pre-Relationship Persona
These people focus on life, friends, work, and themself. They don't wait for a lucky love liaison; instead they develop what they lack. Nothing is more unattractive than a bitter and negative person whose worse nightmare of ending up alone may actually happen for no other reason that their cynical mind frame and inability to feel happiness for those who have found their other half.
2nd Stage - Law of Attraction and Action
Self-awareness as well as mindfulness of the features about the other you find most attractive, what your priorities are and a long term vision are used as a blueprint of your relationship. You don't present an artificial version of yourself just to please the other - in fact, you are genuine, open and honest about what delights and disappoints.
3rd Stage - Progressive Relationship Persona
Here, these people have an ability to communicate and resolve conflict. They tend to criticise less and compliment more, and embrace and adjust their natural rhythms, such as sleep patterns, kinds of foods and activities they enjoy or choice of holiday locations, to one another. They recognise the value of compromise and the importance of nesting rather than nagging. They show interest in their partner's life and make an effort where in-laws and inherited friends are concerned. Dr Hurlemann at the University of Bonn studies the effect of oxytocin (a bonding hormone which is released at birth by the mother literally bonding the parents and child for life, also known as the Hugging or Trust Hormone because it naturally increases during physical touch, hugging or cuddling) in relationships. She claims the more we trust, hug, give, appreciate, touch and bond with others, the more oxytocin is produced building lasting and trusting relationships.
A few days ago, one of my less cheerful single friends who was once again whining about being alone remarked about our recently engaged colleague, 'Meghan is SO lucky; why can't I find someone to spend the rest of my life with?'
If you didn't know already, hopefully after our discussion here you'll agree that enjoying a healthy relationship has little to do with luck and almost everything to do with self-awareness, effort, emotional intelligence and effective adaptability.
A fourth element can be added here for those relationships that don't work - the Post Relationship Persona. You don't want to be the x that was actually referred to as the unfortunate 'y'! Instead, chose to be the person who has clarity about what went wrong, takes responsibility for their actions, processes the pain gradually and retains the lessons so the next time around hopefully better decisions are made.
My grandmother once told me, 'go into a relationship with four eyes and once married, look through one eye' implying that it's before marriage we should be hyper vigilant and aware while during marriage we should be less critical and more accepting of certain flaws. To avoid derailing, remember you're on the same team and with the right amount of nourishment, together you can experience life long happiness. As Robert Browning says, "Success in marriage is more than finding the right person: It is being the right person."
Dr Samineh I. Shaheem is an Assistant Professor of Psychology, Learning & Development Specialist and the owner of Life Clubs UAE. Please forward your thoughts and suggestions for future articles to OutOfMindContact@gmail.com


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