Is it realistic to remain friends with your X?

One of the main reasons problematic divorces are much more common than cordial separations is that culturally we focus almost entirely on beginnings and avoid addressing possible endings.

When divorce is the only option left, after you've given a tumultuous relationship a good run and done what you can to save the marriage, it doesn't have to be nasty and vindictive. No doubt it's a very difficult time for all involved since you're likely to be experiencing loss of family, relationship, status and even home. However there are ways your departure from the marriage can be less stressful and conflicted and possibly even amicable.
One of the main reasons problematic divorces are much more common than cordial separations is that culturally we focus almost entirely on beginnings and avoid addressing possible endings, therefore people are often shocked, not prepared and respond dysfunctionally when a marriage breaks down. If we spoke about, planned for and understood endings, as much as beginnings, expecting a friendly divorce wouldn't be so strange and divorce tantrums would die out.
Another reason that divorce can be a scary emotional roller coaster is because you may be wrestling with a wide rage of physical and psychological changes such as:
> Changes in sleep and appetite
> Anxiety
> Frequent headaches
> Heart palpitation
> Feelings of resentment and rejection
> Feeling wounded
> Blame and guilt
> Weakened immune system
> Identity confusion
> Shifts in body temperature
The pain of divorce is powerful and it can be like an assault on your entire being.
'Every thought, every action, every word that you say creates a physical response by the brain,' Kathleen Hall, stress expert explains 'so during a divorce, you're sorting through core issues from the time you were born, about marriage, love, children - it's like a bomb being dropped on everything you've ever thought or perceived about yourself in life.'
Once you acknowledge the tough road ahead, you can begin redesigning your future, processing the pain and coming to terms with loss so that this transition can be more peaceful.
A question often asked is, 'is it realistic to remain friends with your X?' Before even considering whether or not to remain friends, you need to regain your sense of identity as an individual and not as part of a couple. Of course the likelyhood of friendship after a divorce is highly dependent on the factors surrounding the history of the relationship, whether the couple have children, why the marriage ended and the value system of their future partners. But it's quite possible since the two people may actually be better friends than lovers. You could really like someone, but you may not love them and therefore friendship may be an achievable outcome.
It may not be such a good idea to focus on fond memories, especially during the recovery phase since it can prolong the grieving process by inviting feelings of nostalgia and longing. Having a balanced view of the strengths and weaknesses of the relationship, as well as acknowledging the reasons it ended will result in a more rational rather than emotional perspective.
Try and prevent being hijacked by negative emotions by monitoring the complex dimensions of a relationship through greater mindfulness, increasing your self-awareness, having an accurate evaluation of your marriage and constantly communicating in a genuine and transparent manner. Controlling negative emotions once they have taken over our system may seem challenging, however do remember that becoming slave to anger, hatred and rage is a choice. Once you realise this and acknowledge the destructive impact your choice can have on all involved, most people would rather approach separation in a much more pragmatic manner, rather than have to repair the damage later on.
It takes mindfulness, emotional intelligence, objectivity, grit and resilience to move on. Looking for fixes, not faults and bouncing back by retaining the lessons but releasing the anger and the pain are central to recovery and healing.
It's vital that parents first manage their own emotional faculties and approach the separation in a fair, secure and consistent manner. Once that has been established, the kids should feel confident knowing that mom and dad are still mom and dad - nothing can change that. The objective should be to arrive at a transformed yet stable new arrangement so that the children can adapt accordingly. The more unpredictable their home life is, the more likely they are to have adjustment issues and emotional problems.
Different pieces of the divorce puzzle can't be approached separately therefore committing to an amicable separation means resolving all issues, including those concerning the kids and all financial matters. With the right amount of emotional intelligence and conscious effort, amicable divorces can be the rule rather than the exception.
Dr Samineh I. Shaheem is an assistant professor of psychology, learning & development specialist and the owner of Life Clubs UAE. Please forward your thoughts and suggestions for future articles to OutOfMindContact@gmail.com